I wish...
that I would have enjoyed my skinny body when I had it. Why does it always come down to our bodies and how we perceive ourselves?
Ya, I used to be skinny...even after I had my girls, I was skinny. A size 2. That's skinny. I wish I would have enjoyed it instead of constantly thinking I was fat...wore those "hootchie mama" clothes more...gone dancing more...flirted more!...I wish I would have flaunted that bikini with confidence. Enjoyed being a little tan(not alot, cuz I AM a White Girl, and I burn like there's no tomorrow)
...that I would have enjoyed sex more when I was skinny! I faked it for years. Wow, that was really hard to write. I faked it...I did what I thought I was supposed to do, to make sure that the guy enjoyed himself...but not me. I always figured I wasn't an important part of the equation. I wish I would have walked around naked, like no one was there. I don't ever do that now. No freakin way. Too many wobbles and shakes going on! I wish I would have relaxed and just enjoyed sex. oh, and I don't fake it anymore! ;) It only hurt ME in the long run.
...I wish that I would have gone to college. It was never really an option for me. $$$$$. I lived with my grandma and she didn't make a whole lot of money. I wanted to be so many things...a lawyer, an actress, a fashion designer....anything!!! I wish I could have had that experience of moving away from home and living in a dorm, and going to class and having mid-terms and finals and stuff. Eating crap all night long! although I still do that! ;)
...I wish that I would have gone on anti-depressants YEARS before I did. My kids younger years...wow. I was so deeply deeply depressed,. I would be driving the car and imagine driving off a bridge or head on into a truck,,just to stop the pain and the "nothingness" I felt. I wish I could go back and do it all over again...and be a much better mother to them. I wish I would have done more crafts, like Zombie Mom....let them make more of a mess...stay up late...slept outside in the summer..all kinds of things. I can never get that time back and it makes me sad.
...that I would have put my husband before my kids. I have never done that...EVAH.. and it shows. Our relationship has suffered. I guess my thinking at the time, (and still) is this:..Men come and go,but your kids are yours forever. I've never had a successful marriage to look to..I figured men ALWAYS leave..but your kids will be around you forever, (if you're lucky). While I love my husband to death, we really don't have a whole lot in common, and now it's really showing. When the kids were little, I was in the middle of raising them...now they're almost all gone and out of the house, and we are left looking at each other like (???Now what do we do?)
... that I would ahve traveled. I have always wanted to go to Italy and seen the house my grandfather grew up in...the streets he walked..just take it all in.
So I need to make MYSELF a priority these next years. So I have no more regrets.
33 comments:
whoa. i could have wrote that. seriously. i was thinking how i wished i appreciated being 130 instead of thinking i was so fat then. i always faked sex too. still do, to a degree. except when i'm alone :) and i'm on antidepressants and love it too. i think you're my sister.
Wow, Beth, some powerful stuff you have given us today.
And now that you've said it, it can't hurt anymore, like secrets tend to do.
I think you're an amazing woman for saying all that you say.
Bravo!
I'm giving you a standing ovation in the office of my house in Smallville.
BRAVO!!!!
You are just amazing...
Here's the thing- its not too late to make a lot of the changes - love your body now, go and start taking classes and get your degree, etc.
Remember we all make the best decisions we can given the resources we have at the time- forgive.
Nice story- at 50, my aunt who had never gone to college (loads of kids, one disabled and always at home..) started taking classes. Now she has her PhD and teaches at the College level.
Dreams happen!!!
Start today. In five years who knows where you'll be. If you don't, in five years you'll be looking at this post and wondering...
I'm taking one of the longest routes to a master's degree in history I think. I had a terrible crash and burn just five credits from the end. I utterly tanked at student teaching. Three times! We had to retool and retask my degree. My main motivation to crawl out of my hole was I need to do this to show my children that problems can be overcome, you can retool, reinvent, not be crushed, you can come out the other side a victor.
So in five years I am going to have finished my masters degree. In five years where do you want to see yourself??
Wow....love that post! I just learned alot about you~! You are an amazing, amazing woman by far!!!!
Great post! Wishing you all the best, Sweetie. It's your time now!
I believe there are more couples who face that empty nest syndrome of "what now" and having to re-acquaint with who they are "now" as opposed to "who" they were then...
The best thing is, now that your kids need you less, you and your husband may be able to reconnect. I'll be praying for you.
Beth....go back to school and get your degree in journalism. You are talented and intellegent. Start with one class........you will SOAR! I wish we lived in the same town so we could go together. Do it Beth, one class in creative writing OR Comp 1.
Holy SH*#, that was a wonderful post!
I hope your wishes come true! And I so get the desire to drive off a bridge. That is a tough one. Glad you never did!
excellent post, beth. BRAVA! you are on your way to brighter and better days!
Now just imagine how you will feel about your body when you are 90 yrs old...I hope that you don't say when I wrote that blog I didn't embrace the beautiful body that I had then.
Sweetheart your body has given life...an amazing thing if you think about it. Embrace what you have...
Hell my stomach as stretch marks and extra skin (oh especially if I bend over) but I know that I have it from having my beautiful son. You have the most beautiful face, and you look really young..
Children are important...
I feel your pain...
Beth, it is never too late. I run around naked a lot but I guess I need to stop (my son is 7 now!) I have never had body issues. I am fat, but I love me. Sure I have my blah days but mostly I feel sexy. At my skinniest I was like 140 now...add 80 pounds to that but I feel way better about me now.
I have never faked sex...I have always been the aggressor. (pretty comfortable in my own body) Once I kicked a guy out of my bed because he wouldn't go down on me.
I am now a college student after many years of dreaming about it. (Online courses)
I am trying to take 30 minutes or an hour every single day and just conversate with my Hubby. It does make a difference!
You can do it girl!
tanya: well, I DO have a sister out there somewhere!
bob: secrets can be so damaging..I have a few.
zombie: I look up to you girlfriend!
frog: I am SCARED to go to school!!! But I would love to take a photography course.
milfy: enjoy your time away from your house! ;)
lesbian: I have to try and remember that...
sherry: oh aint that the truth honey!
jennie: I hope so....
robin: I've never thought of a writing course...
she: love you!!!
namaste: I hope I can keep it up..
tellin it: ya, I guess the stretch marks are badges of courage?? ;)
kristi: girl, I need to hang out with you!!!! maybe some of that would rub off on me!!!!
Still time to do some of that stuff listed!
Beth doll, why do you think every old fogey travels when they get old?
because they have shit to alk about with their spouse.
Italy will always be there, take that trip with the Hubby and create new things in common!
Beth, this is a grand post. What wonder there is in looking back and evaluating our lives.
You have done a very special thing, my friend. I wonder, if all of your wishes had come true, what wishes would have replaced them?
I reflect rather frequently as a spiritual tool. Rather that beginning each with "I wish..." I use "What if..."
Blessings, my friend.
Beth....you are one great talented lady!!!! I agree with several of your blog friends. Take some classes online. GO DO IT!!! NOW!!! I just read somewhere where people are writing thier own life stories, self publishing them and guess what? Making money! Go to it girl. NOW! You are talented!!! Then Bobbie Jo and I can travel with you when you do book signings!
The Preacher's Wife
You know it's not always all about you! You got to think of us! LOL
No regrets! Keep on dreaming and planning. A few revisions? Sure, but you can do it. You're one spunky woman!
Italy is certainly do-able...go with your husband and no kids...do you guys some good, and at least you'll have something to talk about in a few years time!!!
You could do it for sure...
And think of this...there are lots of folks who would be thrilled into striding naked to be skinny as you are now....your gorgeous...so there are wobbly bits...love yourself...you're cool and neat, and I might add you design a MEAN bag...and you can still sleep under the stars with the grandkids...and you just told your kids what you would have liked to do....
Hang tough you, you're a winner and a good one...
So many things we have in common.
I was actually thinking about driving my car into a cement truck last night...I thought I was the only weird one that had those thoughts. Time for an adjustment in my meds, huh?
I would love to go to Italy. Not because someone I know lived there, though my maternal great gp's came over on a boat but because I would love to soak up the history...and lets get real, the food.
As for being skinny. I'm thin now and I still feel fat and live in fear of gaining it all back. I think that makes me the most sad.
I guess I have a few things to work on to.
YOU are important.
I love you, sista.
Great post!
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I think you are moving in the right direction. I wish I took more chances when I was younger and had been less predictable. My parents are conservative. I went off to college then moved back in with them then got married and moved a few blocks away. I've always been embarrassed I haven't lived somewhere else other than during college.
Wanna come over and eat dandelions with me, that is what I am eating these days...mean greens to slim down this peanut body...
You are so beautiful, to meeeeee...I feel a song coming on for you...
Yes, yes they are...Love you girl
I love your honesty! You are amazing and you are so right about making yourself a priority. I have started doing the same myself...it is hard sometimes, it is scarey sometimes, but it sure is exciting when we start asking ourselves what we want in this life.
touching post. the wish about the anti-depressants i SO get...
but you are right. you can never get those years back but you can look ahead and make the very best of every day
Sounds like you are headed in the right direction!
I have to agree with everyone on here - there is still a lot of time and things on your list that you can do! Have you opened your checking account yet? Get a Credit card and earn miles so you can travel! Go get your passport - I did - it took less than a week to get it - it was a resolution that I finally kept! Went right to the PO - got my pic and signed the forms all in one place. $100 later - I have my Pass port to anywhere - and I have no excuse for not just being able to take off somewhere!!
Also - want to find something in common with your hubby? Start walkling around the house nekkid! Now that you two are mostly alone - go girl - get it get it!!! ; )
I got my master's when I was around your age. I was teaching full-time and had been divorced for ten years with custody of my son who was 15 at the time. I got student loans and had no social life for the three years it took to do it.
You can take classes during the day if you want to, or you can get a job. As others have said, set some goals and decide what you want to do. Then take steps to get there!
Interesting post in that you have made progress in many ways. We all have regrets and wonder "what if." That's normal.
aw Beth, hon. Awesome post. Just awesome. You've given me so much to think about, shown me so much to be grateful for, and given me a coupla things to add to my to-do list :) I appreciate the honesty. I really do.
That's why I love your blog so much- it's like little life lessons to take in.
I agree. Sounds like it's time for you to focus on some of these things that you missed. Luv yah chica!!
Had you done all that, you might never have come to this realization. Think of the possibilities now that you know. Y'know, a lot of people don't get liberated until midlife.if they had the looks, they didn't have the money. But young people just don't have the scope to realize all this.
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