So.....
My husband has been giving me the "silent treatment" for the past few days.
I asked him why and he said he's "concerned about me".
So.....what does that mean exactly?
He said I don't feel like doing anything...going to church, etc...
Well.......
he's right. And i told him so. Hey, it doesn't happen very often, so when he's right I like to tell him! ;)
I've been feeling so..........."blah". Dead inside. I don't want to do anything. I feel myself pulling away from people, so I don't get hurt by them.
This is gong to be a rambling post, so if you wanna cut out early, I completely understand.
Ever since my mom died, I've felt dead inside. I don't really cry every day anymore, but sometimes, it just takes over and I bawl like a baby. I drive by the driving school where we practiced her maneuverability and I cry. I go to the library, alone, and I cry. I'm in a store and I see a little old lady shopping, and I can't help but think how unfair it is that I don't have my mom to shop with anymore. sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think, "Wow, I better call my mom." and then it hits me that I can't.
I haven't heard her voice in over 6 months. that hurts me. I erased her messages on my cell phone, and how I hate myself for that. What wouldn't give to be able to hear her voice right now.
I would think that my husband would understand what I'm feeling since he lost his own mother a month before I lost mine. But he handles things so differently than I do. And he has his siblings to help him through it. I don't have that. I wish I did, but I don't. I've tried calling my brother but he never returns my calls. so.....I feel so alone in my sadness.
Now, there is a woman at church who has "adopted" m husband and I. She wants to be out "mom". And believe me, if you had the chance to choose your own mother, you would choose her. She's fabulous, and always tells us that she loves us and hugs us, and prays with us....all kinds of stuff. But I find myself holding back from getting too involved with her. She's already had cancer once, and I feel if I let myself get close to her and let he in my heart and life,....what if she comes down with cancer again? What if I lose her too? I don't think I could take it.
And I obsess over my kids. I never want them to feel this pain that I feel. I want them to go before me, so they never have to live through losing their mother. Is that weird? Wait, don't answer that.
So I feel like I'm just putting in the time. I'm not really involved with anything or anybody. I get up in the morning, get the boys off to school, come home and crawl back into bed. I make myself get up before noon, but if I had my way, I'd stay in bed all day long. When I'm sleeping, I don't feel so alone and adrift. I know I'm depressed. I know this. I'm still taking my medicine, in fact I take twice the amount I'm supposed to, hoping it will make me feel better. I find joy in nothing. I try,,, and I put on a pretty good front for other people. But inside I'm dead. I'm fine if I don't speak to another human being for the entire day. I prefer it that way.
So what do I do for my husband? I've tried explaining how I feel, but he just doesn't get it. and shutting me out and giving me the silent treatment isn't exactly the way to bring me out of my shell, so to speak. How do I try and explain what I'm feeling to a man I feel doesn't give a shit about me?
30 comments:
I like to post replies that offer some sort of advice or ideas but I think what you need right now is a hug from a friend who cares and wants you to feel better.
::HUG::
Focus on the great things in your life. You have a beautiful family and they bring you joy. Focus on things that make you happy, that bring you laughter.
xoxoxo
Risking reaching out to others and being loved is so hard. It's even harder when that risk leads to rejection or loss or pain, but I BELIEVE with all that it is within me that loving others and receiving love from others IS so very worth it!
SO WORTH IT!
If I were there, I'd just sit with you and join you right where you are.
I'd listen and then I'd do all your chores for you!
I think grief is really hard work, and it is exhausting.
Be very gentle with yourself. Let yourself be right where you are.
You are loved, cherished, and adored, and I'm reaching right through the screen to let you know that!
I have experience with depression. What helped me the most was exercise. I know you don't feel like doing it, but get outside and walk, walk as briskly and as far as you can and add to it every week. During bad weather, get on that Nordic Track (or treadmill or whatever it is). If you have a bike, ride it. Just do something physical and eat right. That's the only thing that really made me feel better.
Go back to the doctor and make sure the meds are the right ones for you. It's almost impossible to make yourself do what you need to, but if there's a class at a community center you can join, that will help because you made a commitment to it.
Do you have a friend who will get you out to exercise with? Make plans with her and follow through. Write it down and make yourself believe you have to do it. Before long, you'll see a difference. Until then, you have to force yourself to do it.
I think your husband does care but doesn't know what to say or how to help. I've also been on that end of depression with someone I went with a long time. I felt so helpless because I couldn't get through to him and help him.
It's hard. I was depressed this winter and am beginning to come out of it now. I've been exercising again. It has to be cardio to help with depression, but I've also been on the weight machines. Usually it's a good sign when you admit it and realize how bad you feel because you're ready to do something about it.
Miserable, isn't it?
I'm with Joy. Get your butt to the doctor. If you are taking twice as much ad's then there is good chance that it isn't working for you. After I tripled my Zoloft with no improvement I finally got my PCP to send me to a psychiatrist who changed my meds all together.
It was like night and day. You have A LOT to be sad about but if you are already on ad's and you are still feeling this depressed, I would say there are other things that need to be adressed.
(((hugs))) my friend, I know just how much depression hurts.
m (who only plays a doctor on the internet ;))
I'm with Joy also, about the exercise portion.
I think we all go through depressions,and we all deal differently with it. But I think getting out and walking and getting a clearer head is what's best.
And do talk about it; keeping things in is a horrible thing to do, to yourself and those around you. You think you're sparing them your feelings, they think you're angry, or shutting them out of your life.
I go through small bouts of depression and Carlos will ask why, and I always say if I knew why, I'd be able to fix it.
Sometimes you don't know why; it's all things and it's nothing.
But talk.
And walk.
And breathe.
And know that you are loved and that you love.
Know that your mom is always there; in your smile and your eyes and your voice, and your spirit. In your children.
Just know that much.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
Joy has great ideas. You need to be talking to someone. Get a referral to a therapist from your doctor. EXERCISE.
My doctor has given me this advice. Make a list of things you nenjoyed doing two years ago. When the opportunity comes to do those things, do them even when you don't feel like it. The first few times, it sucks. Hard. But then, it gets easier and easier.
Depression is a persuasive disease. It fights to stay with you. It's the little voice in your head that says, "That's too much effort. I don't really want to do that anyway." Because getting out diminishes the disease, a little bit at a time.
You husband loves you, but he is a man. They don't understand. Mr. Clairol, wonderful as he is, discouraged me seeking help, because he felt like my depression was his fault. He wasn't doing enough for me and that's why I was sad. Goofy, huh? Maybe he feels like you need "space." That tends to be a male response and of course, they think we want they do. Tell him you need more love, more affection right now. Tell him you need motivation to exercise. MC drags my butt off the couch every night to walk and most nights, I'd blow it off, if not for him.
Honey, I know how you feel. I have been there and it is so isolating. But despite how it feels, you are not alone. We adore you and I swear, if there is anything we can do, you have only to ask.
ok. I've been thinking about you for an hour. I struggle with severe depression, and sometimes you can't get up and exercise or anything else for that matter. I get that, so I'd say let others be there for you if even just to sit with you. But you have to find someone who has the capacity to let you be right where you are in the thick of the sadness. Most people can't do that. They just want you to feel better so they don't have to be uncomfortable. You're going to need someone who can join you in the despair. And miraculously if they can join you there, it will begin to lift. When people aren't okay with pain and sadness this doesn't work. AND IF the grief process is interrupted by a premature "trying to make you feel better" then, while you may get some temporary relief, you'll have to finish the grieving process eventually. It's better to let the grieving process progress naturally. And when it does the despair does eventually lift and lessen with time. I love you, Woman! Call if you feel up to it!
ok. I've been thinking about you for an hour. I struggle with severe depression, and sometimes you can't get up and exercise or anything else for that matter. I get that, so I'd say let others be there for you if even just to sit with you. But you have to find someone who has the capacity to let you be right where you are in the thick of the sadness. Most people can't do that. They just want you to feel better so they don't have to be uncomfortable. You're going to need someone who can join you in the despair. And miraculously if they can join you there, it will begin to lift. When people aren't okay with pain and sadness this doesn't work. AND IF the grief process is interrupted by a premature "trying to make you feel better" then, while you may get some temporary relief, you'll have to finish the grieving process eventually. It's better to let the grieving process progress naturally. And when it does the despair does eventually lift and lessen with time. I love you, Woman! Call if you feel up to it!
Could it simply be his way of dealing with his frustration at being unable to help you? He has expressed concern. Not everyone is qualified or capable of dealing with the sort of feelings you’re experiencing. Perhaps you should see a professional?
God bless and take care.
i'm sure that all of those things that your commenters have mentioned are good. get some exercise, outside time, sun, eat well and lots of sleep. but i truly think that it takes time to get over something like the loss of a parent and it's important that you give yourself that time.
Dearest Beth -
You have all of us to lean on. You also have my number. I know you don't like talking on the phone - but I don't like hearing you sound like this (so we're even). Why not give me a call when you're feeling crappy (even when you're crying)??? I will tell you how fucking fabulous, gorgeous, kind, loving, thoughtful and absolutely wonderful you are. And every single word will be true.
Do you realize how happy you'd make ME by just hearing your voice??
I love you Beth. And I'm not the only one.
XOXOXOXOXO
David
Thank you for sharing your heart, I know how hard it is to do that. Being in the throws of having just lost a parent (two months ago today) I understand just how difficult it is, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been trying to focus not on what people expect or need from me but instead on what I'm able to give or accomplish. I've tried working out and I've had a few good weeks of doing so and then I fall off the wagon. I'm not going to feel bad about it, I'll just pick up where I left off when I'm ready. I don't want to cook dinner or clean my house so sometimes I don't and I don't feel bad. I Jason wishes he could fix this because that's his nature as a husband but he can't. I don't even think he can even understand where I'm coming from because he's never lost anyone close to him. It's frustrating.
If I were close to you I'd totally suggest we spend a day on the couch watching movies, eating cheetos and drinking diet coke. Mmmmm.
Know that you are loved and just like you told me a month ago, these things take time. I was talking to my neighbor last week and she mentioned her mom that she lost three years ago and she started to cry. It gives me hope because I know it's OK to be so upset and to grieve, I may never get over it and that's OK. I love you!!!
Beth-
I lost my Momma almost five years ago and I have a pretty good feeling of how you must feel.
I realize that no one can know exactly how you feel, but I can definitely empathize. Please know this. How you are feeling is completely natural and it's not just you. But, remember, you are the mother and grandmother of some lucky kids who love, cherish and depend on you. Your Mom would not want you to grieve yourself to death (and believe me GRIEF KILLS!) She would want you to take care of your husband and her grandbabies and great-grandbabies.
That's only something you can do.
I know it's rough and you will never get over losing your Mom, but you will get through it.
And if it's any consolation, you are a MAJOR gift to the rest of us.
I checked your blog often and your trip to the OB/GYN made a really crappy day better for me.
I hope you feel better.
I'll pray for you!
I have to agree with the sentiment of going to the Dr and getting the meds checked, is there someone you can talk to?
Hubby? Right now, focus on you...
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
Beth, hon, go to the Doc and see if the meds are correct....they really can help a lot....
Hubs? Take care of yourself right now, no?
Beth, I think that is all totally normal. A counselor might help so you have someone to vent to, but otherwise I honestly feel like it is completely normal and the best thing for you is time. I know that is a horrible answer, so frustrating, but it WILL get better. It won't ever totally go away, and it shouldn't, but it WILL get better. You just have to give yourself a break and try to keep breathing through it.
Listen to me though. The very first thing I thought was, what?!? On what planet is the SILENT TREATMENT a caring and compassionate way to treat someone you love who is going through a difficult time? It sounds like someone is being a little bit selfish and pouting because your sadness affects him instead of thinking of how it affects YOU. I don't like that, Miss Beth!
Six months isn't a long enough time to properly grieve over someone who was so dear to you. I mean, I don't think there IS ever enough time to grieve over such a great loss... 6 months is like a drop in the bucket. Be gentle with yourself... let yourself grieve. Cry if you want to, whine when you need to, talk it out! Let your hubby know what you're going through though... I think one of the things that hurts people most is when they can SEE that something is wrong but we refuse to tell them. Just don't... keep it all to yourself.
I think you're a kickass woman Beth, even though I've never met you. You'll get through this and be even stronger because of it. Hugs!!
He doesn't know what to do, so he shuts up. It is what most guys would do to avoid confrontation. Women want to talk it out.. Find a qualified listener who can help you with your feelings, or go see your doctor and talk... I'm not there, and I don't know how you feel exactly, but you can talk about it or do something about it. Hope it gets better soon...
I agree with the second thing She said and with what Swishy said. Girl, I know depression quite well, and when you feel this way, there is no way in hell you will exercise. No matter how hard you try, because in this state of mind, the last thing you care about is exercising. I've never had a death of anyone close to me, so I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But I do know Swishy is right. It takes time. You can't just "get over" a death of someone you love. It takes some people years, and some NEVER get over it. But it's not about getting over it, it's about learing to deal with it eventually. Learning to live your life while you still can, and showing your children how to live their life. What if they do lose you? Do you want them to be miserable for the rest of their lives because they lost their mother? I've told my kids when I ever die, I do NOT want them to suffer and be sad. I know they will miss me, but I want them to remember all the good and funny times we have had and be thankful for those, not be sad because I'm gone.
I'm sure you're mother would want the same for you. She would want you to live your life. She would not want to be the cause of your suffereing.
Have you thought about a therapist? Most insurances cover them now. I really think you need an outside source to help you with your grief. Because sometimes the people that should be there to listen and understand, just aren't, for whatever reason. We all love you and I know a lot of us are praying for you to find your way through this.
6 months is fresh grief. The loss of a mother is one of the hardest deaths to accept and move forward with. It changes you. And we all react to grief differently. I think your husband does care -- he may not know how to show it or express it but he's recognized that you are hurting and grieving. There is no set point when grieving ends. But if it persists strongly then talking to a professional will give you solace and comfort in ways that others can't. It helped me. And I still miss my mother 12 years after her death. Be good to yourself.
aw beth
xoxoxo
::cheer up hug::
xoxoxo
Sorry you are having such a hard time - its tough being sad and depressed...
I hate the silent treatment- I really do. Especially when what I want is to be scooped up and held and reassured that its all going to be all right.
Hang in there Beth!! This will pass even though it may seem impossible right now.
Beth- men want to fix everything, they can't.
not this. please see your Dr. about your meds, i suspect if you are double dosing it could work the opposite way and contribute to the prob.
tell hubs to just listen and be there and that's all.
oh and a footrub now and then wouldn't hurt.
alternately , buy a new 'toy' and spend the day in bed! lol.
*hug
Oh honey, you have written so much that I am feeling, it's almost scary. Especially the part about not wanting to put your kids through what you are feeling now, and pulling away from them...I have not told anyone that I am worrying about the same thing, so it is almost eerie to read it here. I don't know what to say, except we are two completely different women, different ages, different parts of the country, and if we are feeling so much of the same thing, then I think it must be somewhat normal to feel it. You agree? I suppose time will make it better...and I truly hope that you are feeling better now, at least little by little. Much love and hugs to you. Jamie
Maybe your husband doesn't know HOW to help you? He may be hiding his own griefs thinking that yours is the greater. He may be very damned lonely. He has now lost two people in his life- you one of them.What would happen to your family if he went back to bed in the morning? do you think he goes to work and deals with people all day because he is insensitive?
Grief is certainly one of the greatest challenges in our lives. I agree with others that you should talk it out the best you can with someone. But who does your husband have to talk it out with? Maybe you both need a third party...together.
Most of those anti-depressant meds seem to work the opposite way, and are very dangerous. Re-read those labels for side effects and see your doc.
It is obvious from your following that a lot of people care about you and love you. Honor that love.
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