I'm feeling very....melancholy today.
I am really missing my mom. It's been almost a whole year since she died. I can't believe I haven't talked to her in almost a year. Unbelievable.
Got pissed off at my husband yesterday, so I left. just got in the car and drove around for 3 hours. Didn't answer my cell or text messages...just all by myself.
While I normally love to be by myself, yesterday?...not so much. I realized I had no where to go. No friend's house to go to, no one to call and vent to....just no one. I had talked to Bina earlier and vented some to her, so that helped.
But I realized that I am really all alone now. I have no siblings to go to and commiserate with. to talk to, to share tears with. and that's ok.
I did alot of thinking yesterday. I have felt so "inadequate" for most of my life...like I'm just not as good as everyone else. I feel I have no skills that are job worthy, and I don't feel "worthy" enough to even "deserve" a job. But I know I need a job...even if it's minimum wage, $50 a week. It's more money than I have right now.
It always seems to come down to money, doesn't it? Who has it and who doesn't. Those who have it, want more of it, and those who don't have it, work harder to try and get it. Some people put more stock in money and "things" than they do actual people and the feelings of those people. and that's ok.
Growing up, all I ever really wanted to be was a mom...a GOOD mom, at that. and I feel I am a Good Mom. I have really great relationships with all 5 of my kids. They are all different and need different relationships from me, and that's what I give them. I would DIE for my kids. Most mothers would. And while I don't bring in any money to this family, what I DO bring is worth more than money, in my opinion. It's just getting other people to see this reality too.
When you try to control someone, you take away their self-esteem and their self-worth, and then what do they have left? Nothing, that's what. They are an empty shell of the person they used to be. And that's me. and that's ok.
But I have to pull myself up and change that. It's just very very hard. Especially when you feel like you're invisible.
24 comments:
The absolutely most important work we do is the relationships we forge with others. Nothing else matters if you fail there. Nothing. So I think you're pretty darn special.
Dearest TrannyBeth -
If one of your goals in life was to be a good mom, then you absolutely achieved that goal. In fact, you exceeded it. You are a GREAT mom. And a great friend. And a great person. Even if you don't feel that way right now.
I am so sorry you've had a rough couple of days. CALL ME!!!
I love you...
XOXOXOXOXO
TRANNY
You are in dire need of psychotherapy and/or medication. Please get some help!
Who the Fuck is anon??? Therapy has nothing to do with it. It's how your treated, over and over again. Some fucking people, geez.
Okay, you are so worthy Beth. You are the best mom I have ever known. And you have FIVE kids that you are a wonderful mother, too! If all mothers could be like you, the world would be such a better place.
And do you know how friggin sick I am, hearing about how important money is to some people??? Men think how much they have determines on the type of person they are, and they use it to control women, just like Alex did. He couldn't control me any other way, so he used money. Dr. Zecca told me once that people who withhold money, almost always withhold emotions as well. I find that to be so very true.
Don't forget, we are going to so "The Ugly Truth!!!!"
I love you girl!
Bean: that's the thing about "anonymous"...they're not REALLY "anonymous"...you can ALWAYS trace where they come from...isn't that right, "anonymous"?
maybe it's time to ask hubs to go to couples therapy. i know you are holding on now Beth,but once those kids are grown and gone, what will be left of you two?
do the work now, while there is still love left!
you are amazing,remember that!
oh sweetheart don't you know that there is no no price on love...
You keep your family together they may take it for granted at times but believe me they all need you and if you had a job you wouldn't be able to attend to there needs...Mother's are under-estimated. Your payment is that you give there lives a stable enviroment...love that is never ending...
Your responcible for their hearts...
It is the most important job of their and your family's life...
Money comes and goes but your love will always live in their hearts just like your mother's love lives in your heart...
I pray for peace for you. I never had a mother that loved me or even liked me...but I try hard to give my little boy all the love that he needs.
Your the best friend a girl can have..and that is priceless to me
lol, anons, never think about site meter!
Anonymous: you neeed to shut your mouth...
She is a wonderful person and greif has many stages..
She doesn't need a pill to make her better..
She has good friends and you need to kiss my arse..
If people can't say who they are, they don't need to comment. Hope you feel better soon, TB!
I am sorry you are sad - hope your spirit rises again soon... when reading your blog and watching your great photos I find you are absolutely marvellous and open minded, a great sense of humour and for sure a wonderful mom!! I wish I lived nearby you - you would be more than welcome to come over for a hug, a talk, a laugh and a cup of vanilla tea !!
Girl- I am in the same boat almost as you. When my mom and aunt and uncle are no longer here, I'm it with no family either. And you know you have my address, so you could goggle directions to my place and come visit and stay! I'll cook, and we can tour the area! Hang in there tootes!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo-
Maddie
That was an concerned comment..... Whether it is anon or not. By your reaction, proves that you might be in need of some help.
P.S. site meter gives you IP adresses only.
It is amazing what a little appreciation can do. You are great, Beth, and you are capable of great things. If the people around you can't see that, maybe you need new people around you. I am glad you took some time for yourself and please know that there are many people who love and appreciate you!
i know it's rough, the grief. i'm told there will be better days.
never forget - what's his is yours! well, half anyway because while ohio doesn't have much, it does have a lovely little thing called "community property".
why don't you schedule yourself some road trips this fall - to see your daughter, bina, etc. might do you a world of good to get away here and there.
that's all i got. be strong!
Aww girl--I feel for you. I don't have any advice. It will get better, though. Big hug to you.
Beth, much of how we feel at a given moment can be caused by many simple, yet fixable issues.. Things get fixed when you make a list of what needs to be fixed, and get out the right tools. Worrying is a waste of time we all do, because it's easier to worry and do nothing, than it is to address issues, and get to work on them.
I love you, Hon!
Beth, I am so sorry. That is one reason I have always worked. I let my hubby know I love him but I don't NEED him.
You know your 'sister' Tranny is ALWAYS there for you. Call her the next time you need to vent.
Just because you don't contribute financially to the household does NOT mean you don't contribute. Raising children into respectable adults IS a job. You ARE worthy. Of love, respect, and happiness.
XOXOXO
You are one of the nicest people I've ever had the fortune to stumble across. It's times like these that make me wish we lived down the street from each other. I just know we'd be the best of friends, I just know it.
You are an amazing mother and woman. AMAZING. I admire and respect you.
Sending my love...
Jacki
actually, depending on the level of service, site meter can you an IP adddress,the type of computer you work on, your last comment, where you went next and location by google map.
think about that Anon.
Any time my husband mentions my lack of income to me, I mention what it would cost to pay me for my "services", and he shuts right up. Does he think a personal chef, chauffeur, maid, laundry service, nanny, or hooker is free? No.
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