I have to quit the Facecrack.
and get back to my blog.
and re-evaluate whats going on in my life.
I realized something the other day...
in the last 23 years, I lost myself.
Someone once called me an "indentured servant" and I can see that now. I was. But I'm not anymore. I lost who I was while focusing on my family. I forgot to take care of ME in the process too. And now I see how important that is.
Someone else said I am "shedding people"...my daughter got moved away, got married, one son in away in college, another son getting ready to go to college/the service/??? who knows what, my mom died, my brother has never been in my life....so who's there for me? No one. Shedding people.
So its time for ME. I know this will piss some people off. But in all the years I gave to my family, I deserve to have some time to myself now. I sacrificed alot. No...no one made me. I gave it willingly and with lots of love, and I gave it everything I had. And I think I did a pretty good job. so now I need to turn some of that attention on myself.
I need to find that person again...the one who loved to dance all night long, the one who loved to laugh out loud at a dirty joke...the person who wanted to BE something, someone. the skinny person who is hiding inside me, waiting to get out. The person who used to flirt shamelessly with every cute guy she saw, and never ever thought it would go anywhere. just flirt for the sake of flirting. The person who used to feel attractive. The person who could read 4 books in 2 days, and actually remember the titles and what they were about. The person who's brain wasn't mush.
I'm going to take some time and find out who I am NOW. I know I can't go back in time, and I really wouldn't want to. I'm starting to like who I am now...and I need to find out more about her. I'm not just a "mom" anymore. My kids are getting older and don't need me as much, so my focus has to change and adapt.
It's time to find myself and make that person happy. she's done a good job and she deserves it. Time to find out what she wants out of life, what makes her tick and what makes her happy. Midlife crisis? maybe. Maybe not. maybe I'm just coming to my senses and seeing what life is all about. Maybe I'll stay where I am..maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move away to some island somewhere and maybe I won't. But I know that I will find my OWN way and find out who I am in the process.
24 comments:
Life is amazing, it truly is a journey. I am constantly amazed how different I am now than I was, and don't always like the changes, but looking at it gives me a chance to change the path and move in a direction I like. So happy you are taking the time to do the same.
It's called "Empty Nest Syndrome". Happens to everybody.
I don't think it's a midlife crisis more like a midlife revelation. Your path is taking the right direction.
Bravo! To be honest, I always thought that you defined yourself by the other people in your life. Nothing wrong with that except that when they're gone, what's left? I'll tell you what. In'Ja. And she totally rocks.
Hey, you might not like this genre of music but i think this song is fantastic. I know when I heard it I got sad AND glad because it was how I was feeling. I think lots of women go through this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tp3Kv7hblY
Howard: I miss you baby. I gotta call you, I need me some Howard Time!
Nick: yes, that's exactly what it is....and I'm ready to fly.
joan: thanks so much girlfriend!
kailyn: leave it to YOU to tell me like it REALLY is...I NEED that girl. I love ya! In'Ja loves you too, and it's time In'Ja gets her chance!!
robin: thankyou so much honey.
Beth, you've done an amazing job being wife and mother. It's time to be Beth now. I know you'll find that vibrant, lovely woman we all know and love.
Yes honey...find you I know how you feel and I feel your pain!!
It is very common for women (moreso than men) to come to the same conclusion as you. Many devote themselves to their families to the point of losing their sense of individuality. They trade their identity as a person for the identity of mom and wife. Now that the kids don't need you as much as when they were little, its a good time to rediscover YOU. Don't be afraid, and don't let anyone stop you! Enjoy, and tell us all about it.
Do it honey! You go girl!
You'll figure it all out ... I'm certain of it.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
and I love love love you!!!
Good for you Beth!
Yes, Go for it! It's about time, and it's the right time. Good luck finding her!
Beth, I love you and I want to RESPOND to you and NOT react to what you are saying. Therefore, I need to pray and think through things. I'm here for you, Marv and the kids. We love you all.
The Preacher's Wife
I am going to clip a part of your entry and chew on it for a bit. The entire entry has a feel to it that appeals to me at this time, very much so.
Prolly write about it soon ... will make sure to credit you for it, as a good writer should. Take care.
YAY YOU!!!!! You go out there and do whatever it is that makes you happy and fulfilled. You deserve it. You're worth it all.
XOXO
I always love reading your blog...you are so inspiring. I can't wait to see where this new attitude takes you!!
Beth...
One thing you are AMAZING at...girl is writing!!!
So glad you are on this sometimes joyous sometimes painful journey....me too...
Watch out world here we come...!!
Nomad
Girl. I just got teary because I felt the same way a few years ago... it is soooo easy to lose yourself. It hit me when one of my best friends came back into town and exclaimed "you don't even listen to music anymore" I was always dancing around before that. Don't worry - the fact that you realize where you are is the most important. Live life and love it - judging from your recent posts about San Diego you are allready well on your way there!
Yo may be shedding some people but you are collecting others... never lose sight of that!
So many of us need to find ourselves.
Thanks for this.
if anyone can do it, YOU can. it's time, your kids are all grown up going there own ways, take baby steps if you need to but start doing things that you and only you love. we only live once, and we only have ourselves holding us back, its time for Beth to shine, be happy and flourish. now let her out!!! I know she's in there :)
There are givers, and there are takers.. Givers give until there is no more to give, and takers take until you can't give them anymore- and then they go find another giver... Know what you give, and why. Know what you want to take- and why... Balance is what we all need- Lord knows I need it, and I will never have it.
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