WHY IS IT?

WHY IS IT?....



...that my dog's medicine cost more than mine does?


...that the less sleep I get, the more energy I have???!!! HOW??!


...I live in Ohio?..I love having 4 seasons, but dang, its been rainy and cold here the past few days. I want SUN!


...I just found out that my youngest son was "talking" to a senior girl at the start of the school year?! and just what does "talking" entail, anyway?


...I still wake up and want to call my mom and ask her for a recipe or something.


...I wash all my sheets and blankets and then end up sleeping on the couch?


...men have to show "ownership" of you? No one OWNS me!!!


...i give my dog a bath and he STILL stinks?


...that when you get what you think you want...you don't want it anymore?


...and what you think you DO want...you can't have?


...that people think that men and women can't be "just friends". Right Dog? ;)


...that I am becoming addicted to that devil..FACEBOOK. Admitting is half the problem, right?


...that sometimes it's just too little, too late?


It's beginning....

The stark reality of life in my town.

Big Girl Panties

So, you know I've been walking, right?

Well, me walking by myself in my neighborhood is something that I never did. never ever. just didn't do it. Brought back too many bad memories and I was a chicken shit.

so, I figured...I'm making all these changes in my life, I may as well keep going.

so I started walking by myself. I put on my Big Girl Panties and just did it.

And I'm enjoying it too. I put my headphones in and off I go, blasting the music at top volume.


Well...........

today I'm walking and this guy starts following me. he was in a dark green car, 4-door. a Ford, I think. and he passed me about 4-5 times...staring at me. so I stared right back, trying to look tough. ya right.

Well, I pulled my phone out, had 911 on speed dial and was pretending to talk the last time he went by me. he stopped after that. He had dark hair and glasses. No license plate number. My bad.

So I was a little scared, I'll admit that. But I was more pissed off than anything. I will not let someone have that control over me ever again. I won't be kept a prisoner in my own home. If I want to walk, I will walk damn it!

So I come home and tell my kid. he convinced me to get my license to carry a concealed weapon.

Now, do ya'll think that's as funny as I do?

Cuz I just don't see me running around with a gun....tho I think it would be fun! ;)

So we shall see what happens. I refuse to let anyone "ground" me either. I'm a Big Girl. If I want to walk...I will walk.

But I just might have a can of mace or something in my pocket, just in case!

It is rainy and cold here today and all I want to do is stay in bed all day.

should I?

I think not.

Senior Night

senior night last night. My Boy is a SENIOR. I'm sad.


they introduced all the seniors and their parents.


we lost....35-7. On to next week, right? My kid had a great game tho, so that's all that matters to me! ;) 2 sacks, I don't know how many yards rushing and he made "Player of the week" last week. Ya, he gets it all from me.


You know its true.

it's a little differnet than Marvin Gaye singing "Lets Get It On"

ok, for you folks out there with older kids...


do you talk to your kids about sex? like THEIR sex lives?

cuz I was talking to my daughter today, and somehow, the conversation took this turn.

It was Betsy and she said she could never talk to her Mom about sex or anything like that, so she wanted to talk to ME about it.

So we spent a good portion of the conversation talking about sex and our lack thereof!!

weird? I don't think so. I talk to my kids about sex all the time..its not really a "taboo" subject in my house. Even the boys. Especially after hearing some of the songs they listen to! DAMN. it aint pretty. I hate to think that my boys know about ...."stuff"...look! I can't even WRITE it! HA! But I don't really want to talk to my 17 yr old son about oral sex, ya know? I DID want to say, "How can you sing about it when you've never even HAD it??!!" But I didn't. I was nice. ;) he said its not really any differnt than Marvin Gaye singing about Sexual Healing or something like that. they just use differnt words! HA! He did tell me he was a gentleman around girls tho and didn't talk about p^%%$ or blow jobs or anything like that. WEll, thats good to know, at least. :)



Oh Lord, what have I done??!!! ;)


So, do ya'll talk to your kids like this or am I the only one who is losing her mind?

Hey, it's perfectly ok



...to tell someone to shut the hell up when they are getting on your last nerve.


...to flirt with your cute new dentist


...to tell someone they are an asshole 1st class...and mean it.


...to not count a baked potato as a "carb". hey, it doesn't have any sour cream on it!


...to feed your dog cereal when you run out of dog food


...to want to move away to an island somewhere in the South Pacific when the stress gets to be too much. By yourself. with no one else. ever.


...to worry about your friends even when they tell you not to.


...to love how a guy smells


...or not


...to seriously consider becoming a lesbian cuz men can be such jerks.


...to still think that Facebook is the Devil...even tho its slowly taking over your life in every way.


...and its ok to HATE that about facebook


...to put yourself first sometimes


...to wanna run away and have Uncle Buff cook for me every day. something delicious and decadent. and chocolate would be good too!

fluff

Enough with the sadness.

On to more pressing issues.

Khloe Kardashian is getting married to some NBA basketball player she's been dating for 3 weeks? Oh, this is one that will last...I can just feel it. Pregnant? or just publicity stunt? I'm thinking the latter.

Whats the worst date you've ever been on?

Mine was a date with this guy named Ray. We went to a bar for a drink...I get up to go to the bathroom. Some woman comes in the bathroom and tells me my date is getting the crap beat out of him! I walk out and he's all bloody, beaten up by his ex-girlfriend's current boyfriend. Horrible date. Horrible. I forgave him and went out with him again and we ended up more friends than anything....cuz eeewwwww. Who wants a man who gets the crap beat outta him in a bar??!! ;)


My poor Trooper. His eye is nasty and red and droopy. Vet said it's more from "blunt-force trauma". he fell down the steps last week, and hit his head on the door frame, so maybe that's when it happened. But he IS on some pain pills that are making him very very happy! he walks around with a big 'ole smile on his face all day long. Happy Boy!


One thing I want to do before I die....go to Italy. Big Dream of mine. And Rae's. We WILL do this one day, Baby Girl. WANT it...don't just HOPE for it. it'll happen.


So, all this working out, right? I'm not really doing the P90X anymore...once in a while. I've switched it up to Pilates. 10 pounds down, one pants size and one bra size. Which is sort of a bummer. Why are the boobs always the first to go? why can't it be the ass or the huge gargantuan thighs? No, it's the boobs. Still walking 2 miles a day...working out, riding a bike. and yesterday, I was walking...and almost broke out into a RUN!!!! I KNOW??!!!! Can it get any worse than that??!!!! ;)


Went to the dentist. he said I have beautiful teeth and no cavities. LOVES IT!!!
But I DO need a couple of crowns....ugh.


Please pray for my friend Cindy. her daughter has cancer and there isn't a whole lot more they can do for her. I love this girl like she's my own child. she is only 29. I am so sad over the whole thing.


Something else I'm really loving right now...it's this powder called Brite White. I got it at the fantastical Walmart. you add it to your whites in the washing machine...adn then let them sit for a little bit. let me tell ya, I've never had anything comeout this white before!! awesome stuff.

and can the dark circles and bags under my eyes GET any bigger? damn.

WHATEVAHHHHHHHHH

ok, so I was really pissed of yesterday.

Marvin said nothing to me all. day. long. about my mom.

Nothing.

so I was pissed. Ya.

But then I thought, "Why be mad?"

don't have any expectations of people..this is what I'm learning.

What's important to me, might not be important to someone else.



so today he said he thought about me, but didn't want to upset me by saying something.

whatever.

I'm so over it it aint even funny.

I miss you Mom.

35-0!!!!!!!

I take my camera everywhere with me.

Everywhere.

We had a football game last night.

I took my camera.

But for some strange reason I didn't even feel like taking pictures last night.

So my camera never came out of the bag.








And my kid scored 2 touchdowns.

and I don't have a picture of it.

he better do the same next week.

that's all I'm sayin.

Elliott Yamin

I have been walking every day. a couple of miles. works on alot of stress.

and I plug my headphones in and I walk, with the music blasting in my ears.

Last week it was "Shinedown". they are a darn good band. love them

But this week, it's my boy, Elliott Yamin.

Why is he not topping the charts? he is R & B, so maybe i need to listen to an R&B station or something. This boy can sing his butt off.

"Let Love Be"

blasting in my head right now. great words

Life is short.

My mom would not want me live it unhappily.

and I'm dertermined not to.

I knew this week would come, eventually.

Today is the day my mom had her surgery and I found out she would maybe have 6 months left with chemo.


It was the last day she ever spoke to me.


I'm very sad this week.

It was a year ago, that the shit hit the fan at home, and things got out of control. I left, taking one son with me, and stayed at my mom's house. And when she died, I realized how alone I really was. I have no one and no where to go now. So when the shit hits the fan again, and I'm sure it will....where do I go?

Oh well...........grief has a way of hanging on. I wish I had "something". her body was donated to science, so I don't have a grave site or anything like that. Now I wish I did. But I guess I can always talk to her, wherever she is.

Even knowing that I will never ever allow someone to hurt me.......it's still a thought I have to have in my head.

always

I was out today, "scouting locations" for a senior photo shoot.

Sounds so professional, huh? ;)

I found some good places and tomorrow we will be heading out.

**********************

Kanye West is a douchebag. Nuff said.

**********************

I think I have a new favorite for now...

My son Evan is doing yoga with me.

The football player.

And I'm really enjoying it! We lasted about 40 minutes today of P90X!! WOOHOO!

It was funny..yesterday, I said,

"Ev, come and do some yoga with me."

"I'm not doing yoga woman! that's nothing for me! I play FOOTBALL!"

"Just try it....you might like it."

So he got down on the floor with me....we're doing Namaste....downward dog...warrior pose...it was fun. And he was sweating like crazy. I of course, was a stinking pig.

then when we're done, I wanted to "fist bump" him. he wasn't havin it..so we have our own thing. We flip each other off! he said he'll make a touchdown and flip me off! he'll dunk the ball in basketball and flip me off! he'll run a 48 in the 400m. and flip me off!

So today, I woke him up and we went at it. And then in the kitchen he's showing me his favorite poses and all this crap.

"I'm gonna do yoga everyday Mom...I will be dunking like crazy in basketball, and stretching and opening my lungs will really help with track"


WHO WOULDA THUNK IT?

I'm really in love with him today.

Friday Night Football

We played CVCA last night. Cyahoga Valley Christian Academy. My son said these were THE nicest kids they ahve ever played. Ever. He was really impressed.












We lost....6-2. CVCA didn't score until almost the end of the 3rd quarter, so our defense rocked last night. Our offense just couldn't get it done. On to next week.

perv alert

why is it...

that some days...you go out and do your stuff.

Run errands, grocery shopping whatever...

and no one really notices you.





And the OTHER days,

you go out and do your thing,

and every man and their brother is hitting on you?!

I didn't really look any different today than I do any other day.

WTH?

A friend of mine told me it's just a natural thing for a man...

they notice women....they turn around and watch them walk away....they look them up and down when they're walking toward them.

I guess they feel like they have to act on it too!

pervs

"We're gonna X it out!"

Let me tell ya...

my butt is draggin.

Have ya'll heard of P90X?

Good Lord!

That thing is kicking my big bootay!!

At least today I lasted a whole FIFTEEN minutes! ;) WooHoo!

Yesterday?

5. Yes, that would be a FIVE.

Yesterday was yoga...today was plyometrics. You'd think the times would be reversed, right?

and then, afterwards..you're so pumped up...no more sleeping in the mornings for me. No sleeping at night either...even with my trusty tylenol pm. Stress has a weird way of working on your body, no? Oh well.

Lord help me.

Motherbangers

I had to go to some calling hours yesterday. A family member died.

Now.....I'm used to being excluded form my husband's family...Like I was telling Tranny yesterday during our "intervention"....they don't even know my name. Or my kid's names... Tranny knows my kid's names...who's who and what they do...all that stuff. But actual family members? nuh uh.

I was telling him that one time, we went to my husband's uncle's church..years ago. Rae was 12, I think. They made her stand up and introduced her as his WIFE. yes....so, they don't know me or my name. They call me Britney. ( "Its Britney bitch!") While I feel that I DO have a "Britney" inside somewhere, yearning to come out....that's not my name. "THAT'S NOT MY NAME! THAT'S NOT MY NAME! THAT'S NOT MY NAME!"


So anyway, we get to the calling hours. Now this was a distant cousin...not one that I was close to. My mom's cousin actually...so she was much older than I am. so we're walking through the line, we get into the room where the calling hours are being held, and I see 2 of my cousin's standing there. I know they're my cousin's cuz they look just like their sister, who I see all the time at the school. So my husband is standing behind me....and they look at him, and automatically nudge each other, and then start whispering...looking at him, looking at me....and talking...snickering. OH NO THEY DI'INT. Don't mess with mines! I may get mad at my husband and want to ring his fat neck sometimes, but don't mess, know what I'm sayin?

Well, the more they did this, the madder I got. I walk up to their dad and he calls me Dawn. that's my cousin (i'm pretty close with her)....he had no idea who I was. Fine..I could care less, really. I'm just there to pay my respect and then get the hell outta there. I hate this stuff.

So I walk through the line and I get to the 2 brothers who were doing the talking.....boy, if looks could kill, I'd be at their calling hours today.

I have a bad temper. I know this. I have no self control sometimes...I blow up. I try not to, but sometimes you just have to go off on a Rockhead, ya know?

I kept it together, but it wasn't easy. I knew that that wasn't the place or the time to go off on them, and really....who gives a crap. I didn't know their names either and don't care to. I'll never see them again, so fine.

be a racist asshole.....but don't let me catch you out somewhere, cuz I will go off on you, and it won't be pretty.

"Its Britney Bitch!"

My Tranny

To My Tranny.....


THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!

you're the best girlfriend a girl could ever want and thanks for talking me down from the ledge! Cuz I was jumpin!!!!! Oh honey...I was JUMPING.


"It's Britney Bitch!"

I love you David...more than you will ever know.

You sure you won't take me up on my offer?...cuz you know I have NO self-control!!! (HELLO!!) I could always try to find Franky G for you...I mean, it's the least I can do, right? ;)

Love you Love your hair!!

I will never be your stepping stone

A good friend of mine has made me do alot of thinking...deep thinking.

I've lived so long feeling unworthy. Not worthy of companionship or most of all, love. I've let other people's warped thinking infect my life. I've let their perception of me become reality. And its not. I've been brainwashed for far too long.

I've got to live without regrets.

Life is short.

On Sept. 20, my mom will have been gone for a whole year.

a whole year.

A whole year has gone by without my having heard her voice...or seen her face...or hugging her. Or hearing her say , "LIZABETH!" and me getting into trouble about something! ;) I haven't taken her shopping..or to the library. she hasn't called my house to talk to one of the boys and have them over to cut her grass...and she would feed them something good when they were done.

a whole year.

Life is short.

Too short to spend in unhappily.

I want to be happy. I want to laugh till I pee my pants. I want companionship and friendship...someone to hang with. Someone to dance with. Someone to love me for ME...not who they want me to be.

I want someone who won't stifle me and censor me and everything I say and think.

I deserve to be happy. I'm a good person and a good woman. And I deserve so many things I don't have but want.

And life is too short to live with regrets.

You know, I've lived through alot of things that would've taken out a normal person, but it didn't work on me. I persevered and hung on. Ya, I've done some things I'm not proud of, but then, who hasn't right? But for the most part, I wouldn't change anything cuz it's made me who I am today.

And I'm realizing that the person I am is pretty great! ;)

It's taken a while to get to this place, but I'm getting there...and I'm not giving up now.

It's only been in the last year that I've tried to step out of my surroundings and see life as it really is. I've been shut off for far too long. Life is good! Life can be fun! And seeing how things are for other people, in their relationships and stuff, makes me see what I've been missing for so so long. I always thought that this was just how life had to be, but I was so wrong.

True, I don't have it as bad as some people, but not as good as others either. I have some fabulous kids who have made my whole life worth living. I'm not kidding, cuz if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't be here right now. They are my whole life and I would never want to do anything to hurt them.

But sometimes, you have to step out on faith, and take that chance...to see where things could go and what could happen.

That's where I want to be. I want to be the person I am on the inside...dying to get out. I'm tired of being smothered.

I'm tired of being a stepping stone for other people. I need to find my own happiness.

Sunday

I know people hate these birds with a passion, but I like them. They remind me of the beach. I can pretend I'm at the beach and I can smell the salt air. One day.....




I've sort of become obsessed with flags lately...

Times they are a'changin

I have to say this....very very quietly...

I think this photography thing just might work.

I did another football game today, got 3 more bookings and have 2 more games next week!!!

WOOHOO!

I gave all my fliers and about 30 business cards. Gotta make a run to Kinkos I think.


Soon, I will have to invest in another camera, so I don't have to keep switching my lenses back and forth. Plus I need a much "faster" lens, esp. for the sports. In due time I guess.

********************





I've been listening to this all. day. long. The beat is insane and I can't get it outta my head.

Twins?

Me.....the one I like...



...and my rather boring Twin......who doesn't get out often.

Gossip

Ok...K-Fed?

What the hell happened dude??? Damnnnnnn.

and Eddie Cibrian and Leann rimes...I KNEW it!!! LIARS!

Poor DJ Am.....sad.

and Whitney??!!!! Damn girrrrl....drink some tea with lemon and honey or something, cuz DANG! you sounded AWFUL on good Morning America.

Tom Colicchio and his wife are expecting their first baby. so he really IS straight? Niiiiiice.

And I meant to talk about the Octomom and her "documentary" that was on a few weeks ago. HOT MESS. and that one little boy of hers who kept calling her a bitch...wow. And then she has all 8 babies just laying on the floor, in the middle of all this chaos...oh lordy....I have to stop now.

I hope Halle Berry really IS pregnant, cuz that boyfriend of hers is HOT and they make some pretty babies.

Britney..you are lookin good gurrrrl!

Gerard Butler...I know he's supposed to be this big man whore, but I was totally charmed by his caveman character in "The Ugly Truth"...wonder if he's really like that. Probably. ;)

and according to My Tranny, there aint NO TRUTH to all this mess about Bradley Cooper and Renee Squintyweger..No truth at all.

Will Katie just divorce Tom already? sheesh.....

Kristen Stewart. Oh boyyyyy. Honey you are a HORRIBLE actress. You just got lucky being in "Twilight" that's all. you have NO EMOTION whatsoever....and you get PAID for that mess. DAMN! NONE of the "Twilight" actors are any good...they just got lucky, that's all. But I do love me some Edward! ;)

And Tori and Dean...supposed to be a sham and Dean is only after her money. Well, DUH!!! Goodness..... and she DOES look like a horse...a very very ugly horse. But the kids are kinda cute. but you know they get that from their daddy...and that is even pushing it!

**********************************

wasted

Well....

the shoot went well.

BUT..the kid I was there to get specifically?...well, he didn't play. so it was sort of a wasted trip.

But I handed out my flyers and business cards, and got another kid to shoot at the game...but his mom wants more than one game on the CD. I'm selling pictures on CD's....so she wants more than one game on a CD, for $50. Which is fine...but it's still only 25-50 pictures that she;s getting., She's looking to get more than what she pays for, and it aint happnin. Look, last year SHE came to me for basketball pictures to put in the school year book...free of charge. Now she has to pay for pix of her kid, that's the way it is. She doesn't want to pay?..then take your own damn pictures. sheesh.

I'm just a little upset.

But other than that, I got some great shots! HA!

*********************



This song is gut wrenching to me. I know the words are a little off to her lips...but listen to the words...gut wrenching. and so meaningful.

How I'm feeling.

some thoughts

I have my first "photo shoot" tomorrow!

woo fricking hoo!!!!!! I feel so professional! lol
*****************************

Things I'm thinking are cool right now:

...Taylor Swift's song, about wearing sneakers and sitting in the bleachers...

...Border's. Spent a good couple of hours in there today.

...beginning to be more independent. I could really get used to this!

...talking on the phone! I KNOW!!!! Who am I and what did I do with the REAL Beth??!

...I'm going to say this very very reluctantly....Facebook. UGH, I know. But it's cool to find old friends from school, ya know? But that's the ONLY reason I like Facebook. ONLY REASON. No YoVille, no Mafia Wars (although that one sounds like it's right up my alley)..no Farm Wars or whatever it's called...I don't do quizes or all that crap.

...Clinique. anything by Clinique. Thanks for hooking me up Maddie!!!

...dried mashed potatoes....that come in an envelope and you cook on the stove? YUM. Red skinned mashed potatoes.

..."My Antonio" on VH1...nuff said.

...and I think I might have to switch to "Team Jacob" cuz have you seen that boy lately? he's added ALOT of muscle....but good Lord, he's like 17 years old. Forgive me Father.

...my hummingbird feeder I have on my porch. I get so many hummingbirds.

...movies I want to see: "Shutter Island" "The Stepfather" "Jennifer's Body" "All About Steve"

...Pop Secret Homestyle microwave popcorn. YUM.