Reflection

I am feeling really good today..

don't know why.

I think I need to just get back to my normal life and enjoy what I have.

or at least try to.

Sometimes the fantasy just isn't worth the heartache.

But that doesn't mean you give up on your dreams...

and I have alot of dreams that I plan to see out to the finish.

And while the fantasy may not be worth it, it's been nice to have it for a while. Sometimes that's all you have to get you through...a fantasy or a dream. and it served its purpose.

and my heart may be breaking right now and filled with sadness at times..

at least I still have my heart. I didn't lose it in the process. I didn't give it away...I am keeping it all to myself.

I've seen that I still know how to laugh, how to have fun and dance in the street to a Miley song on the radio. I can do things I've never done before, never even thought of doing before, I can travel by myself, I can exist all on my own. I don't really need someone else to make me whole. I am whole all on my own.

It opened my eyes to alot of possibilities out there.

and for that I will be forever grateful.

Made it through Thanksgiving..

now on to Christmas.

My world at the moment

Here's what I'm thinking:

...that I hate the word "except". "I ate all of my supper EXCEPT the peas." THEN YOU DIDN'T EAT IT ALL!!!!!! god I hate that word.


...that the video store isn't so bad after all. I'm out of the house, meeting people. talking to people, and selling porn to nasty old men that have no cars and have to ride a bike everywhere and carry a gun and a knife on their belt at all times...and fight with their sister about putting their mother into a nursing home.


...that losing my boobs is finally paying off. I'm down 4 sizes in jeans! But please don't mention the boob loss. :(


...that some people just have the ability to piss. me. off. They don't even have to do anything..just looking at them will set me off into a frenzy of pissed-off-ness.


...that marriage counseling may be a colossal waste of time. we shall see.


...that Bella and Edward need to just do it already. and then she needs to move on to Jacob and do him too, cuz he is wayyy hotter than Edward at the moment.


...that a certain Old Mexican can be so wise at times. Other times he's just an ass.


...that the love and support I receive from my friends on this blog can be overwhelming at times. Growing up without that...you tend to be very cynical and think everyone is out for something. so not true. Some people just really feel for you and want to love and support you in your time of need. that's what I've found through you guys. Love and acceptance. Thanks.


...that washing dishes is a colossal waste of time. paper plates and plastic cups and forks from here on out!


...that having choices in life is important. Just make the right ones and you'll be fine. But if you don't..learn form the mistakes and move on.


...that Thanksgiving will be very lonely this year. The Boys are going to NC. I have to work all this week, so it will be Marvin and I. alone. at home. for Thanksgiving. that has NEVER happened before. I hope we don't kill each other.


...and if we DO kill each other? I want a kick-ass funeral people!!! Lots of great 80's music and dancing up the aisles!!! No crying, no sadness, nothing like that. and if you can get Brad Pitt to say a few nice things about me, it would be greatly appreciated. thank you in advance.


...that Gherkin Pickles are highly over-rated. I mean, if you want to eat a pickle, you might as well go with a great big Dill, right? the little pickles really have nothing to offer a woman like me. and while the Gherkin has it's place...it aint with me! RESIST THE GHERKIN!!!!


...and lasagna. I looooove lasagna. But if I had to eat it everyday? I think I would get tired of it really fast. I hear that lasagna can be a Drama Queen at times...and thinks the world revolves around IT. Well, guess what lasagna? THE WORLD DON'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!! Some people like other things than just lasagna every day! and just cuz you're all cheesy and gooey and can melt my heart, doesn't mean I WANT me heart melting all the time. (although that IS kind of fun and exciting), but Lasagna..you're full of calories that I don't need right now. Take your cheesy goodness elsewhere. BE STRONG BETH!!!!


...that I better get out and walk my fat ass off before it rains/snows/hails/high winds/tornadoes....whatever else Ohio has to offer in the way of weather.

To all my friends out there worried about me...

I think I might be coming to my senses..

just sayin....

Discovery

I have to quit the Facecrack.


and get back to my blog.


and re-evaluate whats going on in my life.


I realized something the other day...


in the last 23 years, I lost myself.


Someone once called me an "indentured servant" and I can see that now. I was. But I'm not anymore. I lost who I was while focusing on my family. I forgot to take care of ME in the process too. And now I see how important that is.

Someone else said I am "shedding people"...my daughter got moved away, got married, one son in away in college, another son getting ready to go to college/the service/??? who knows what, my mom died, my brother has never been in my life....so who's there for me? No one. Shedding people.

So its time for ME. I know this will piss some people off. But in all the years I gave to my family, I deserve to have some time to myself now. I sacrificed alot. No...no one made me. I gave it willingly and with lots of love, and I gave it everything I had. And I think I did a pretty good job. so now I need to turn some of that attention on myself.


I need to find that person again...the one who loved to dance all night long, the one who loved to laugh out loud at a dirty joke...the person who wanted to BE something, someone. the skinny person who is hiding inside me, waiting to get out. The person who used to flirt shamelessly with every cute guy she saw, and never ever thought it would go anywhere. just flirt for the sake of flirting. The person who used to feel attractive. The person who could read 4 books in 2 days, and actually remember the titles and what they were about. The person who's brain wasn't mush.

I'm going to take some time and find out who I am NOW. I know I can't go back in time, and I really wouldn't want to. I'm starting to like who I am now...and I need to find out more about her. I'm not just a "mom" anymore. My kids are getting older and don't need me as much, so my focus has to change and adapt.

It's time to find myself and make that person happy. she's done a good job and she deserves it. Time to find out what she wants out of life, what makes her tick and what makes her happy. Midlife crisis? maybe. Maybe not. maybe I'm just coming to my senses and seeing what life is all about. Maybe I'll stay where I am..maybe I won't. Maybe I'll move away to some island somewhere and maybe I won't. But I know that I will find my OWN way and find out who I am in the process.

Someone shoot me and put me outta my misery!!!!

I am SOOO freakin bored today, it's not even close to being funny.

I want to pull my hair out!

the dogs are whining....I HATE whining.

but the good thing is this:

I lost 6 pounds this week.

Don't ask me how...it's stress. and it's eating me from the inside out.

I haven't weighed this amount (and no I'm not telling the number...not yet anyway) for TWENTY YEARS.

Yes, I said TWENTY YEARS. In fact, I weighed more than this when I was 9 months pregnant withmy biggest kid, Bud, who weighed 9lbs 5ozs when he was born.

My clothes don't fit. All of my jeans are too big and I have no money to buy new ones. Jeans I just bought last month are too big.

Does it sound like I'm complaining? ;) I don't mean too.

I'm just so freaking bored I want to scream!!!



AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

My kid hates school.

I get a text from him every day

"Can you come and get me? I hate it here."

what am I supposed to do?

I tell him no, he has to stay in school. Bring his grades up, yada yada.

I think it will be better next year when he can go to TCTC and learn a trade he's interested in...auto body and that kind of crap.

At least I hope so.

another list, and read the whole thing Dog!

things I'm loving right now:

...Nutella. nuff said.

...International Delight coffee creamer in "Caramel Macchiato". good GOOD stuff.

...the cheese grater that Rae and Mike got me for Christmas last year. Just like Olive Garden's and I love it!

...sunshine, which we have some of right now.

...Jamie Foxx. I'm watching his old show on tv and he is really funny, and he's HOT and he can SANG.

...no wonder Kirstie Alley wants him so bad!

...mojitos. nuff said.

...making lists! HA!

...NCIS LA. I am loving that show. and LL Cool J?..mmm hmmmm.

...Also LOVING "Burn Notice". I want to be Fiona.

...the movie "The Ugly Truth". HILARIOUS and so true. so so so true!

...friends who are always there for me...you know who you are!

I know I've been a little neglectful lately...

I promise to get back to "it" whatever "it" is...

my life is super stressed right now and I can't seem to find the time to pee let alone blog.

and that damn Facebook is taking over my life.

Lots going on...

..job. I hate it. simple as that. its boring and mundane yet I feel like a complete ass cuz I don't know what I'm doing on the computer. NOT a good feeling. I'm a reasonably intelligent woman and catch on to things pretty quickly, but I came home yesterday and CRIED. I was so damn frustrated with everything by that point...I got in to the tub and just cried my eyes out. did I feel better after? not really.

..kids. Kids are good. they're all busy with their own lives, which is what I want for them. So that's good.

..marriage. can't really talk about that on here.

..life in general. sucks right now. stress is taking over my life and I'm a nervous wreck all the time,. I can't eat, I can't sleep....nor do I want to do either of those things. What I DO want is to be on an island somewhere in the South Pacific, eating fresh pineapple and drinking coconut milk right outta the coconut...with some hot pool boy attending to my every whim and need.

So I promise I will try to get back here and visit ya'll soon. I miss you.

Some Photos of some Dogs

While I was in San Diego, I got to see a friend from high school, John. We took his dogs to the dog beach one day and this is what I got, among many others.





His Great Dane, Caesar


Caesar running through the surf


Caesar again, running faster than the waves!


This is Rahna, his Rottweiler. She is such a special girl. A former FBI drug dog and she's about to be a Mama soon. I loved this dog, let me tell ya. There is something special about her...can't put my finger on it, but we bonded big time.


And like a typical woman, she POSED for me!!! She saw that camera and she turned. it. on. You should see some of the shots I got of her...wow. she needs her own calendar!

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I know I talk about San Diego all the time, but I cannot even describe what that city did to me. I felt like I was at "home" for the first time in a very long time. It was relaxed and sunny and wonderful. Maybe it was just the vacation that did that? I don't know, but I do know I want to go back..I HAVE to go back.

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Evan is home after oral surgery and doing crappy. what a horrible patient he is already! WOW. I am in for it, that's' for sure. Not good. I drugged him up good and hopefully he will sleep and not choke on all that gauze in his mouth. eewwww.

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I worked my first 3 hours last night. WOOHOO!!! I think I'm gonna like it. I know it's not like a "career" or anything like that, but it's a job that I have and I will make my OWN money. That means the world to me, especially after being so suppressed for years. Money is not a good subject with Marvin, as you all well know. So he can keep his account to himself, cuz I will soon have my own money that he can't say anything about. It's a very freeing feeling.... becoming my own person, with my own thoughts and ideas and wants and needs. And ways to go about getting them!

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and to top it all off, there was ICE on the car this morning when I took Austin to school. have I told ya'll how much I LOVED San Diego? ;)

Catching up

Things going on:

...17 yr. old getting his wisdom teeth cut out. By an oral surgeon. Our cost? $574. Paid in full the day of surgery...which was supposed to be today...but wasn't cuz I didn't have that much money. His dad gets paid tomorrow so we will be broke for the next 2 weeks. But he will be out of pain, so there's no $$$$ amount on that, right?


...I got a job! It's only at the local video store, but HEY! I got a job!!! and I will be making my own money!!! WOOHOO!!! I told them I will work ANY hours available.....bring it on baby.


...basketball has started for said 17 yr old. and he has a girlfriend now. oh boy. I love football, but I really enjoy basketball. 2 games a week can be rough but I like that I don't have to sit out in the weather! cuz the weather sucks in Ohio, as we all know. I hope to get some really good shots of some basketball games and bring in even more $$$$ with my photography.


...I miss San Diego. Terribly. the sun, the public transportation, Coronado Island, the beach, the Navy Seals patrolling the waters, the trolley, The Dublin and a Stella, the mojitos, my friends there. I miss it all and want to go back really bad.


...I miss having My Girls around me. I realized that I have few friends that are close by. I have Tracey, my football mom, but other than that....????? I miss Bina, Nancy, Mary, Glo. These women mean the world to me and have given me such wonderful advice and unconditional love over the years. I need to be near them, to hang out with them, to vent with them, to laugh with them, to cry with them, to eat with them!!! I miss My Girls.


...and I miss My Rae. With me working now, I don't think we will be traveling to see her for Thanksgiving and that makes me very very sad. We HAVE to go see "New Moon"!!!! I miss My girl so much.


...I'm down about 22 pounds now, and I've found that I actually like walking. If I don't walk every day, I get very antsy.....I get stressed out and feel like I HAVE to get out there and walk, regardless of the weather. I haven't done any yoga or pilates since I left for San Diego but I did do a butt load of walking while I was there. I walked that whole damn city!!!


...I think this might be the last winter for my Trooper. he's getting so old....Maddie too. And that makes me so sad. But they have had a great fantastic life, so that's all good.


...I'm finding that my happiness is important to me. The more I get "out" the more I see that my life has been missing so much over these past years. I've been shut off from people and friends, and it's so good to be getting out and meeting people, making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. My life is getting so much richer for it.


...I'm totally addicted to Facebook. There, I said it. I'm an addict. It's just so EASY...you just write a little blurb, you read your friends little blurbs and you go on about your day. No big long blog posts to write/read. But it IS still time consuming!!!


...there is alot and I mean A LOT of stress in my life right now..lots of changes going on, but I'm looking forward to whatever the future will bring my way.

Some photos from San Diego

On My way to San Diego!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!


a Pizza at pizzeria Luigi's. Let me tell ya...this pizza was the BOMB!! Can't you tell by just looking at it? I ate some of the best food ever in San Diego....pizza, I had my first fish taco. OMG!!!!!! That was so delicious!!! Dinner with Mary and Q and her crab cakes and mahi mahi cooked on the grill, homemade bread pudding with fresh whipped cream. That woman can throw down, ok? I had a carne asada burrito at Benny's that was HUGE..couldn't eat the whole thing. In n Out Burger..YUM. Homemade lasagna and garlic bread and cannoli...TO DIE FOR. the sauce was homemade and took 3 days to make. BEST FOOD EVER!!!


Me with my friends from high school, John and Lisa. We met at a bar in Temecula, CA. and had a great night. so much fun!!


On our way to Palm Springs...


Gaslamp District of San Diego. Everything was so beautiful and there was so much history. I loved all the little cafes along the street, so many little shops. Wonderful place to be.


Gaslamp District


My last day in San Diego, I had to go to the beach, of course. These are my Reef flip flops. They are so so comfortable and have a built in bottle opener on the bottom! comes in handy, right? ;) I had to "oceanize" them to make them authentic. Oh how I miss this water and this beach.

Night in Hollywood

sitting around after dinner and MAry and Q's place. Great dinner Mary and Q!!!!


The Girls.... Mary, Nancy, me and Glo. SCOOBY DOO!!!!


nancy and Emmy. Now, you KNOW we had to hold the Emmy, right? ;) we kept the acceptance speeches under 2 minutes..


Just another normal day for Mary...dressed to the nines and wearing diamonds. No big deal. I mean, she IS an Emmy Winner, right? so she must look the part! I miss you Mary!


nancy, Mary and I. The night had just begun...we didn't even have our mimosas yet!



Such a great night with blog friends. But who counts them as "blog friends"? not me...these are my FRIENDS!!! Oh how I miss you girls.