I know none of this makes sense and I'm just talking mush but it's my blog and I can do that if I want to

Drama.

i don't like drama.

I'd rather live my life without all the drama.

So, I'm checking out of the drama!!!!

But I will say this........

I'm not in jr. high anymore. I am no longer 13 years old. I no longer pass notes in the hallway or make prank phone calls.

I am a grown up...an adult.

And I will conduct myself accordingly.

thank you.

****************************

So, I've been wanting to take scuba diving lessons for my trip to Cancun. A friend of mine is a certified instructor and is giving lessons..and is willing to give me a deal, only charging $300. But I can't really afford that right now, with the upcoming trips, so I will have to postpone the scuba. :(

****************************

I am taking my boys to California this Summer to visit their "Crazy California Aunt" Nancy!! and they are super super excited! We talk about it every. single. day. They've never been on a plane so they're excited about that...Nancy has some kids lined up to show them a good time, so they're excited about that. Nancy will take them surfing, so they're excited about that. they will be watching Nancy's girls so we can drink a bottle of wine in her backyard, and they're excited about that. So that trip can't get here soon enough for them..or me!

****************************

I hate this time of year. Well, January really isn't so bad, but when it gets to the end of February and into March? UUUGGGHHHH. I'm tired of the cold and the dirty snow and the slush and the cold and the darkness of it all.

Before my trip to NYC, I was sort of content to be here...living my life as a SAHM. But that trip opened up so much for me, and now I want it all. I want to see the world, and meet all the people I've met through this blog. I want to have my bag packed all the time so that I can just leave at the drop of a hat. I KNOW that I need to live somewhere warm and sunny......I want my portfolio of photos to grow by leaps and bounds, cuz I go to so many different places and see so many different things. I'm feeling very restless these days.

I'm feeling smothered and oppressed. Not good.

I'm feeling that we are falling back into "old habits" like we always do. Not good.

I'm feeling very stagnant. not good.

********************************

I'm also realizing that, no matter your age, sex, or economic status...everyone basically wants the same things in life.

health
happiness
someone to love
someone to love them

No matter how old you are, you never get used to having your heart ripped out. You can be 13 and have your first crush or 87 and in a nursing home...but it all hurts the same. the heart wants what it wants. you can try to trick it into wanting something else..and it might even go along with that for a while. But it always goes back to the one thing it wants truly, regardless if that's a good thing or not. And I know how lucky I am that I have a husband who loves me and wants me in his life. And my kids make my heart so so very happy...to be with them, to talk to them, to laugh with them, to plan trips with them...to just be around them. Oh so happy!!!!

When I was thinking of leaving...I NEVER EVER thought that I would be leaving my kids...but that's what THEY thought. and that ripped my heart out. I had to reassure them that I was never ever going to leave them...I could no longer breathe if I didn't have my kids in my life, that's what they mean to me...they mean LIFE to me. And to see that pain on their faces and hear it in their voices...god, I just couldn't believe that I was doing this selfish thing...thinking of leaving their dad, for my own selfish reasons. I know some think that I'm weak for staying or that I'm settling and putting my own needs and wants aside, like I did for so many years before.

But I don't see it that way at all. I know what's most important to me. And maybe I don't feel as happy as I think I could be, but isn't that what life is all about? Striving for more? always yearning for something that's just a little bit more or better than what you already have? I think if I stopped yearning and dreaming, then life would pretty much be over. So many of my friends are getting divorced..it seems almost like an epidemic of sorts..it spreads like a cancer. I need to appreciate what I DO have, not go after what I DON'T have.

Life is good. I need to live it that way.