I'm reading this book:
"Just Don't Bring a White Boy Home"
I've been in an interracial relationship for 24 years.
Yes, we had problems at the start...with us and with outsiders and family.
and 24 years later? we are still having some of the same problems.
and I'm going to be very very honest here...
I don't think I would recommend it to people.
It's so much "easier" to stay inside your race.
There, I said it.
Does that mean that "they" were right when they told me to "stay away from Black guys"?
Not necessarily.
I met my husband in 1986. a loooong time ago, but you think, "Oh the 80's....times were ok then...at least it wasn't the 60's"
But when I had my daughter Betsy in 1982, I had to hide and lie about being pregnant, because my boyfriend was Black. My family wanted to send me to a "home for un-wed mothers" in a different city so that no one would see me. They would tell everyone I was in California with my father. The 80's? or the 60"s? You tell me.
So you all know that I was forced to put Betsy up for adoption cuz my family wouldn't let me keep her...and Baby Daddy couldn't help cuz he also had 3 other girls who were pregnant at the same time. They were Black..I was the only White girl. His family refused to help me. So I did what I had to do. Not my choice...it was awful, but it all turned out for the best in the end, since I now have her and my grand babies in my life.
So this book is written by a Black woman, and how society won't let Black women date White guys. The slavery thing and all that mess.
And of course...there was the "sex thing"....and namely, penis size.
People...a penis is a penis. plain and simple. Some White guys have big ones...some Black guys have big ones. I really don't think penis size depends on your race. There are big and little ones of all colors!
There are big cultural differences, but sex isn't really one of them. Sex is sex....sometimes it's good ..sometimes it's bad. We've all had good sex and we've all had bad sex. Did it depend on the race of the person you were with? I don't think so. I think it's more "chemistry" than race...but that's just my opinion.
I can say this: I'm just more attracted to darker skin. that's just my preference...probably cuz I'm so White! ;) But some people prefer a red head, or someone who is tall...i just prefer darker skin. Not necessarily a Black Man, just darker skin than mine. Does that mean I won't look at a White guy? nooo...I've dated White guys before. But I guess in the long run, it comes down to what attracts you the most. I have asked my husband why he married me instead of a Black woman, and he said this: "Black women are too loud". I just don't even know what to say about that...cuz anyone who knows me, knows Im obnoxious and loud!!! :) But this is the man who, when I would drive the car, would duck down so no one saw him sitting in the passenger side..or would tell his friends that his girlfriend was "Italian" so he didn't have to actually say I was White. Gee....think I should have seen this way back then?! DUHHHHHHH. :)
But I never dated a Black man to "rebel" against my family or anything like that. that was never my intention. Ever. In fact, I chose the harder road when I dated a Black man....
My family was against it. whole heartedly against it. So was his family. I've had 2 serious relationships with Black men..one I married. and both families were against me cuz I was White. and I had a child.
If it hadn't been for my Aunt Pearl accepting my husband, my family probably never would have accepted him. she broke the ice and introduced him to everyone. she was totally on our side from the get-go. God bless her. She helped us immensely.
and my husband's family still doesn't like me. they still don't know my name, after 24 years. Well, the truth is this...i think the DO know my name, but purposely call me a different name to show me that I don't matter to them...I'm not important enough to remember my name.
and that hurts. it really does. I have no family left. my husband and my kids are it for me. I have a few cousins that I talk to from time to time...but there are no family reunions...no family dinners on Sunday afternoon...no get togethers at Christmas time....my friends become my "family".
So where is all this going? I don't know. I'm rambling. But I just want to know these things:
1. have you ever dated outside your race?
2. why or why not?
3. what was the outcome? was society against you? family? friends?
thanks. I'm just being nosy again. :) Sorry I'm all over the place with this, and my thoughts are so jumbled...I just write as I think...I don't expect to be graded on it.
23 comments:
My good friend and college Roomie had a long relationship with a fellow student who was black. The four of us (The Engineer was in my life that far back!) spent a lot of time together.
When we were moving into a new apartment my roomie's grandmother (who was helping us move) took me aside and said, 'You know L. is only with Roomie because she's blond.' My mouth dropped open and all I could say was 'but she dyes her hair, she isn't really blond!'
I got a SNIFF at that.
Sorry to hear what you've gone through. I think as a society we are getting closer to "a person is just a person" but we still have a long way to go.(maybe wishfull thinking on my part!) I'm lucky--I come from a pretty liberal (for lack of a better word) family. Altho I never dated outside my race, quite a few of my cousins have married outside it. Our family reunions are fairly "colorful"!
For me, it's not just a race thing, it's a religion thing. I married a Catholic in a Catholic church. My mom was not pleased but is over it. His mother, not so much. I've been called ignorant on more than one occasion for my lack of religious upbringing.
Outside my race, I would have but he never asked (college days). And that outcome would not have been well accepted.
And now, there is same-sex unions within the family. These things just don't bother me so long as people treat each other right.
Yes I dated a mexican guy who I was crazy for but his family hated me and they were nutso. So I moved back to Tx and met hubs. I found that the mexican guy was very very very controlling but he could do whatever or whoever he wanted to do and I had to say nothing. Hells to the no!!
And I think your hubby's family is crazy to not love you.
Well I do know how you feel...but in my case...My son's father is black and his family loves me even thought I am crazy...it was chemistry at the time but I wasn't ready to commit. He was the last black man I have been with and 15 yrs. later Engineer guy loved my son was from West Virgina and white as they come...He had a big penis and his mother hated me and made my life hell...You see it doesn't matter what race you are ...there will always be problems...it is how we deal with them...not everyone can make it 24 yrs. It is forgiveness and love that helps us make it through it all...I always knew deep down I would have an inter-racial boy who in his own right transcends peoples thoughts about black men...He fortunately has not had to put up wit racism..nor have I. The long time relationships I have been in with white men have all loved him and treated him with love and respect...I can't say that their families were thrilled but I never let that get to me...because he has a bigger purpose...and so do I...I have had the privilege to save lives and I couldn't have become the person I am today had I not been introduced to my son's amazing grandparents whom I love as if they were my own...and lord knows I haven't always been the most lovable person...His father loves me to this day! Blessed yes...I am not sure I have what it takes to keep a relationship for as many years that you have...bask in the fact that home represents a love so deep that color transcends and if his family doesn't love you...it is their loss!!! Hugs to you...Your a wonderful mother and I can't say the same for my own!!!!
I think Motormouth Mabel said it best in the movie "Hairspray": "You 2 better brace yourself for a whole lotta ugly coming at ya from a never-ending parade of stupid!:
I have dated almost every race - people are people but peoples reactions can not be controlled. Fortunately I have lived in NYC for the last 25 years and this big city is a little more tolerant to things like this - I cant imagine what life would have been like had I stayed in New Mexico!
Beth... you do know WHY you remind me of my SFC, right? The odd thing about that was I thought and would say that (at least to myself) before she re-entered my life.
The 30's, the 60's, the 90's... TODAY. I wonder how long it is going to go on?
The reason that I have mainly stayed with my 'nubian princess', is that white women did not think of me as 'black' enough... isn't that some crap.
I don't know where I am going to go here... but the heart wants what the heart wants. I was talking with Nixxie today and she says our daughter asked her how did we ever get close enough to make her, because we are so dissimiliar. Nixxie told her 'sometimes, opposites attract'.
Too bad that it is still seen as a statement against or for something. Especially when you are white and dating a black person and for a brother, dating ANYONE not black will bring you reproachful stares and whispers.
My Mom, bless her for being MY Mom, would not have cared as long as I or any of my sibs were happy. Yeah, she'd have talked trash, because talking trash is what she does! But she would have welcomed you AND your eldest daughter had I brought you home and introduced you... and that is a FACT.
My sibs would have flat out accepted ANYONE I brought home... one girl (my Ex) they took in a little too much. The eldest girl had her starter marriage to a white cat. My darling, darling brother was NOT closeted and she was cool with him.
I wish she could have met the SFC... but I am like screw people who have an issue with interracial couples. Points off? How about a FULL LETTER GRADE that you CAN'T ever get back.
Yes, I know how fortunate I am to know that at least I could have counted on my family to love and support my lil' white girl if I had brought one home. I am certain of that.
Shoot! You done got my panties in a bunch over this topic!!
Beth... you do know WHY you remind me of my SFC, right? The odd thing about that was I thought and would say that (at least to myself) before she re-entered my life.
The 30's, the 60's, the 90's... TODAY. I wonder how long it is going to go on?
The reason that I have mainly stayed with my 'nubian princess', is that white women did not think of me as 'black' enough... isn't that some crap.
I don't know where I am going to go here... but the heart wants what the heart wants. I was talking with Nixxie today and she says our daughter asked her how did we ever get close enough to make her, because we are so dissimiliar. Nixxie told her 'sometimes, opposites attract'.
Too bad that it is still seen as a statement against or for something. Especially when you are white and dating a black person and for a brother, dating ANYONE not black will bring you reproachful stares and whispers.
My Mom, bless her for being MY Mom, would not have cared as long as I or any of my sibs were happy. Yeah, she'd have talked trash, because talking trash is what she does! But she would have welcomed you AND your eldest daughter had I brought you home and introduced you... and that is a FACT.
My sibs would have flat out accepted ANYONE I brought home... one girl (my Ex) they took in a little too much. The eldest girl had her starter marriage to a white cat. My darling, darling brother was NOT closeted and she was cool with him.
I wish she could have met the SFC... but I am like screw people who have an issue with interracial couples. Points off? How about a FULL LETTER GRADE that you CAN'T ever get back.
Yes, I know how fortunate I am to know that at least I could have counted on my family to love and support my lil' white girl if I had brought one home. I am certain of that.
Shoot! You done got my panties in a bunch over this topic!!
I married a black guy in 1990 in the deep deep south. He was military and the military world accepted it just fine. It was the 'town' people who didn't like it. We definitely felt the hate, sometimes overt, sometimes covert. But it was always there.
Our biracial son always gets asked 'what are you'...he says people always think he is a Mexican. Sigh. He feels like he doesn't fit in with the black folks cause he's not black enough and the racist white people think he's not one of them either. I am sure your kids get that too. Anyway, you just keep going on, ignoring the fools and living your life. My inlaws pretend that its okay to have a white girl in the family, but one or two really don't like it and have said so. It makes get togethers a little difficult.
I could write a whole post of my own on this subject...I dated a black guy in high school(he was from out of town)while I lived in a all white rural community. My dad was terribly racist but I didn't date this guy out of spite. He truely was a nice person. Because of my family I didn't stay with him. Fast forward to 11 years ago. I met the love of my life. He is black. We were engaged.
Everyone except his dad & step mom did NOT accept me being white. Because I was a grown woman I did not care what my family thought. Because of how well he treated me, they did come to accept him. Because of some of his friends and family, we ended up breaking up. This broke my heart. I really do believe he was the one for me. It took me some years to get over it.
Then almost 5 years ago I met my present husband and we got married 4 years ago. This guy totally regrets ending it now. When I seen him last October at my brothers wedding we talked and he actually cried. He totally regrets that he allowed his family to convince him to end it.
Maybe in the end it saved us heartache that we weren't aware of? I don't know but I really do think we would have been still happy today.
It really sucks that your husbands family can't accept you. Very sad and it makes me sorry that they are missing out on you.
Now that I am raising a black child I worry...we are in a mostly white rural community. I hope that when he is older these issues are no longer issues. Sadly, I think I'm dreaming.
I was born and raised in California and never thought twice about people marrying outside of their race or religion. At 21 I moved to Texas and fell in love and married a man with skin color much darker than mine. We heard many hateful, ignorant remarks about "us". Some from our families, some from complete strangers. It hurts all the same. We vowed to not let others hatred and ignorance touch our happiness. We continued to hold our heads high and smile in the faces of the ignorant. We have two children and they are gorgeous. :o) My daughter is 9 and I have heard people ask her, "What are you?" and I have heard her respond: "Blessed"!
We try to surround ourselves only with awesome people/families that enrich our lives. We teach our children that we do not judge others. We respect people for who they are and who they choose to love.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and still going strong. It hasn't always been easy but I couldn't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. My heart still melts when he walks into the room. :o)
while I think it's sad that we all share so many of the same experiences...it also draws us closer together. We form our own "community" of sorts. And some of the most special, loving people I now have in my life, have been brought through this blog and the lives we share.
and my kids get asked ALL. THE. TIME..."What are you?" my daughter who teaches 3rd grade was asked this by her STUDENTS!! I like it when they say, "I'm HUMAN...what are YOU?"
First, thanks for your honesty. You bring authority to the issue by virtue of your experience, and the fact that you are married to someone who is black.
There is this notion that somehow, racism is a one-way street, and that only white people express it. The truth is, any human being, from any ethnic group can express racism. One only need go to places like Japan, where there is institutionalized racism against Koreans that continue to this day.
I feel fortunate that I grew up in a mixed race/ethnic neighborhood in NYC. As kids, we all played with one another, and whether you were black, white, or anything in between, it didn't matter. I was conversational in Spanish by the time I graduated high school, in part because of the 6 years that I took it in school, and also that half my friends were from Puerto Rico.
Even with all this though, there were black/white conflicts. My parents, being of an older generation, had trouble accepting the time that my brother was dating a black woman. The Yiddish word "schwartze," (pronounced; - SHVA-tzeh) is a derogatory term on par with the word "nigger." (if any of you are offended by my use of the "N" word, please take a step back and see the context.)
I heard that word a lot growing up. Then again, being from a Jewish household, the bigger thing was either dating, or possibly even marrying (gasp!) a "shiksa," a non-Jewish girl. Oddly enough, both my parents resigned themselves to the fact that this could happen, which it did. My wife was raised Catholic, and my brother's wife was raised Protestant. In the end, it didn't matter, and my mother accepted them both. (My father died before either of us were married, though he did get to know my wife while she was still my fiancee.)
Racism is a human trait. The only way we'll get totally rid of it is through a major evolutionary shift. Cynical? Yeah. my experience dictates that to me.
I dated a black man briefly when I was in the service. He was older than me and a higher rank too. I was brought up not to date outside your race so that is all I could think about. What would my mother think. You are right too about the sex thing, sex is sex. I've seen big one's on all races and lots of small ones too!
oh girl, let me tell you, I love this post...I love that you put it out there and talk about. I hae Archie Bunker for a daddy, seriously, he is a wonderful man, he is just very predjudice- it's his only fault because other than that, he is perfect. It goes way back to his childhood and I try not to hold it against him. I live in an area that is 90% hispanic. So yea, I have dated hispanic men and let me just tell you this, I REALLY like what brown does for me :)!! But, I don't share this with my sons or with my parents because I know the crap I would hear from them about it...
this is some seriously GREAT stuff people!!!!
My parents taught me well, I grew up not really noticing race. Skin color was a description, like hair and eye color.
I always thought I'd end up with a darker boy, kinda like you, because I'm so ridiculously white and wanted my kids to have a chance to tan. The fact that I ended up with my husband surprised me greatly, actually.
That's a real bummer that your in-laws suck like that. I know they probably think so, but it's entirely possible that it wouldn't matter if you had been black. They'd have found some other reason to dislike you. And that just sucks for them. Because you are awesome. I LOVE you, Beth. You bring sass and spunk to the world, and we all need some of THAT.
And my husband and I totally plan on adopting at least 2 kids, and don't really care if they are white or not. I'm still hoping to have kids who can TAN, dammit!
Wow, 24 years? I'd say it's time to move on with them. Your not going any far so they should at leat act like they care. And honey, I'm a equal dating partner. I have had sex, I mean, dated people of all races!!!!! I not quite done with a united nations collections yet! The relationship put that on hold :) love and miss ya! Nice to hear from you!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Nice to meet you Beth!
My name is Laura and I am white and married to a black man. We have 7 children 15-25 years old. Great blog. Loved the honesty and insight into your history regerding race.
I have made some amazing friendships over the last few years with other people in Interracial relationships. Several of us decided that we were tired of only negative images or stereotypes being portrayed in society, so a year a ago we begun The Interracial Family Organization.
MISSION STATEMENT- To facilitate the cultural recognition of interracial/multicultural families and disassociate this culture from longstanding stigma by exposing and discrediting stereotypes.
I am inviting you and all your readers who wish to support and celebrate diversity to join us!
www.interracialfamily.org
http://www.facebook.com/interracialfamily
Laura Stillman
Co-Founder
I don't even need to answer those questions cause you know all about me!!!! You probably remember more about me than I do! LOL
But Alaina is dating a black boy, and he is the NICEST sweetest guy ever! Chris said to me one day, "Sarah said all the skinny, pretty white girls at school are dating black guys". I said, "Huh, interesting. Cause Alaina is only HALF black and when I asked her why she is dating a black guy she said, "Why did you MARRY a phillipino guy?" I said, "Good answer!"
If it bothers people here, I'm too blind to notice, or I just don't give a flying crap. I think it's the latter.
Ha Ha Ha! I said Alaina is half black. I meant half white! LOL LOL
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