Chocolate Lava Cake

Ok...chocolate lava cake. Dog said, "Oh! It's SO EASY!" right. There is a reason I'm not an "influential blogger"!!!


first batch. He said, "Use a regular old cake mix (did that)...bake it at 450 degrees ( did that) for about 15 mins. (did that). This is what I got...COOKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!! NO LAVA!!!


Second batch...So I thought, "Ok, I'll leave it in for 8-9 mins...that should do it." NOPE. still COOKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH!! WTH??!!!


So I will try it again tomorrow....but leave it in just until they start to puff up....still at 450 degrees. then I will try it in a lower oven and see if that makes a difference. he said my oven must be BOOMING in the heat dept.

I suck at baking.

CRAAAAAZZZZZEEEEEE!!!!


Yup, we won our game last night! WOOHOO!!!



I am trying my hand at chocolate lava cake today. Dog says it's "easy" so we shall see. Pictures to follow.

Taking Austin tomorrow for his Connors Testing at the neurologist. This is to test for ADD. Now, he can't concentrate in class cuz his headaches are horrible...NOT because he has ADD...but try to tell that to a man with a DR. before his name and see how far you get. But I will go along with it, just to prove my point. I guess they have to start somewhere, right?...Then on Saturday he gets his MRI...then we go back next month for the results. HAHAHAH!!!! The first time I typed the word "results"..I typed "reSLUTS" oh I crack myself up sometimes.

Missing my mom today...and every day. Never thought I would miss that Old Bat so much. I could really use her words of wisdom right now, concerning Austin. NO CRYING! No crying today. Been doing too much of that lately and it has to stop.

Ya know, I have never eaten at IHOP. I HATE pancakes with a passion, so I've never even thought to go there, but they LOOK so good in the commercials. My appetite has dropped off considerably...seems like the only thing I ever want to eat is chick peas with garlic and spinach!!! So.....that's what I eat just about every single day. Oh well.

And I really need to get my hair cut and I'm thinking BIG CHANGE to go with the rest of me.....cut it all off? I might wait until Summer to do that!...but I'm seriously thinking about it. A New Me. This Me has been taken advantage of and is feeling stupid...so I need to "overhaul" her.

Maddie was so happy the other day...she was walking around with a big smile on her face, her fat little tail just wagging away...and she had something in her mouth. she would lay down and spit it out and when I tried to see what it was, she would pick it up again, and hide it in her mouth. Well, I finally found out what it was....a MOUSE. Yup. But she was a happy dog, that's for sure...just like the time she killed the baby bunny and brought it too me...all proud and happy. Or the time she caught a bird and ate the whole stinkin thing....too bad she wasn't skinny and could actually MOVE..she could catch all kinds of critters around here!

Blech

Vicki, Tracey, me and Chris at the basketball game. The cheering section!!


My kid


Austin making some pizza


me


I'm feeling.....blech today. so it's just a few pictures. that's about all I can manage right now.

I know none of this makes sense and I'm just talking mush but it's my blog and I can do that if I want to

Drama.

i don't like drama.

I'd rather live my life without all the drama.

So, I'm checking out of the drama!!!!

But I will say this........

I'm not in jr. high anymore. I am no longer 13 years old. I no longer pass notes in the hallway or make prank phone calls.

I am a grown up...an adult.

And I will conduct myself accordingly.

thank you.

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So, I've been wanting to take scuba diving lessons for my trip to Cancun. A friend of mine is a certified instructor and is giving lessons..and is willing to give me a deal, only charging $300. But I can't really afford that right now, with the upcoming trips, so I will have to postpone the scuba. :(

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I am taking my boys to California this Summer to visit their "Crazy California Aunt" Nancy!! and they are super super excited! We talk about it every. single. day. They've never been on a plane so they're excited about that...Nancy has some kids lined up to show them a good time, so they're excited about that. Nancy will take them surfing, so they're excited about that. they will be watching Nancy's girls so we can drink a bottle of wine in her backyard, and they're excited about that. So that trip can't get here soon enough for them..or me!

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I hate this time of year. Well, January really isn't so bad, but when it gets to the end of February and into March? UUUGGGHHHH. I'm tired of the cold and the dirty snow and the slush and the cold and the darkness of it all.

Before my trip to NYC, I was sort of content to be here...living my life as a SAHM. But that trip opened up so much for me, and now I want it all. I want to see the world, and meet all the people I've met through this blog. I want to have my bag packed all the time so that I can just leave at the drop of a hat. I KNOW that I need to live somewhere warm and sunny......I want my portfolio of photos to grow by leaps and bounds, cuz I go to so many different places and see so many different things. I'm feeling very restless these days.

I'm feeling smothered and oppressed. Not good.

I'm feeling that we are falling back into "old habits" like we always do. Not good.

I'm feeling very stagnant. not good.

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I'm also realizing that, no matter your age, sex, or economic status...everyone basically wants the same things in life.

health
happiness
someone to love
someone to love them

No matter how old you are, you never get used to having your heart ripped out. You can be 13 and have your first crush or 87 and in a nursing home...but it all hurts the same. the heart wants what it wants. you can try to trick it into wanting something else..and it might even go along with that for a while. But it always goes back to the one thing it wants truly, regardless if that's a good thing or not. And I know how lucky I am that I have a husband who loves me and wants me in his life. And my kids make my heart so so very happy...to be with them, to talk to them, to laugh with them, to plan trips with them...to just be around them. Oh so happy!!!!

When I was thinking of leaving...I NEVER EVER thought that I would be leaving my kids...but that's what THEY thought. and that ripped my heart out. I had to reassure them that I was never ever going to leave them...I could no longer breathe if I didn't have my kids in my life, that's what they mean to me...they mean LIFE to me. And to see that pain on their faces and hear it in their voices...god, I just couldn't believe that I was doing this selfish thing...thinking of leaving their dad, for my own selfish reasons. I know some think that I'm weak for staying or that I'm settling and putting my own needs and wants aside, like I did for so many years before.

But I don't see it that way at all. I know what's most important to me. And maybe I don't feel as happy as I think I could be, but isn't that what life is all about? Striving for more? always yearning for something that's just a little bit more or better than what you already have? I think if I stopped yearning and dreaming, then life would pretty much be over. So many of my friends are getting divorced..it seems almost like an epidemic of sorts..it spreads like a cancer. I need to appreciate what I DO have, not go after what I DON'T have.

Life is good. I need to live it that way.

You are just like me...admit it.

I watched "Law Abiding Citizen" last night.

AWESOME MOVIE!!!!


One of the best I've seen in a long time, and right up my alley.(after working in the porn room, maybe I should stop saying that)

Watching this movie, I've realized something about myself...well, I knew it all along, but it really came to the forefront last night.

I could really f#$% someone up. I really WANT to f#$% someone up. BIG TIME!

I have alot of anger pent up inside and I think I need to let it out! ;)

I thought Gerard Butler's character did what needed to be done..plain and simple as that. And I would've done the same thing....but only more so!!

What would YOU do if someone killed your family? uh huh...that's what I thought.

Movie review

I finally got outside to walk today.

It's been a while since the weather is not cooperating with me. I walk at work all night long but its not the same thing,ya know?

and why is it I have a job now but still have no money? ;)

and why is Facebook STILL like high school?

It's the same people, the same cliques, the same bullshit...all over again. It's funny, I saw on a commercial last night for that show "Mercy" about a guy who's been in a coma for 10 years and the chick says to him...

"There's this thing called Facebook now. it's about finding all the people in high school and college that you never got to sleep with."

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! how true is THAT??!!!

I mean, it's nice to re-connect with people and check up on them, look at pictures of their families and stuff...but there's still so much bullshit. Friending this person but NOT friending THAT person...or blocking this person and "un-friending" that person.

"Well, I'm just not going to be your friend anymore...so there!"

all the same old bullshit, if you ask me. And the "mean girls" in high school are STILL the "mean girls" today. So sad that people can't grow up. It's enough to almost make you de-activate your account, which I've done a couple times already but always go back for more punishment!! ;) It IS so addicting.


Ok, so I saw "The Invention of Lying" and I loved it. No, not an Oscar winner, but I thought it was funny, and how cute is Jennifer Garner anyway?! and I have a new crush on Ricky Gervais and want fat short snub nosed kids with him...he's too funny. I really get his sense of humor. I know alot of people don't like him, but he's just sarcastic enough and off the wall enough for me...love it.

"Pandorum"....boring. don't' waste your time.

"Smoking aces 2"...ok. meh.

"Gamer" with Gerard Butler. Now, it's very very graphic and violent, but that's right up my alley. I liked it.

"Whiteout"...it was ok. I wouldn't buy it or watch it again, but it was ok.


I don't know when I've ever watched so many movies in my entire life!

Pervy Emporium

Well, Evan is off today on his first college visit.

He and his dad went to Thiel in PA. They've been after him to play football and run track.

Which is all well and good, butttttt.........

they're a D-3 school, so they don't give any money. :( they will work to get him grants and scholarships and stuff, but it costs $38,000 a year to go there.

Sure, it's an old. established school, with a beautiful campus..yada yada. But the dorms are old as dirt and they smell and suck in general.

I really want him to go to Akron.

1. It's a D-1 school. he could get a full ride.

2. They're track team is pretty good and he would be sitting 2nd in the 400 mtrs. And that was LAST YEAR as a junior in high school. so he could kick some major bootay in the 400meters.

3. the campus is AWESOME! They have brand new dorms, the new Infocision Stadium, a student rec that is outta th is world....sure it's plopped right down int he middle of the ghetto, but the campus is BEAUTIFUL!

4. His brother is there. Good thing for Evan, cuz Evan is kind of a "homebody" and I think having his brother near by will be a big help to him. And The Chapel is right on campus too. This is a fantastic church that he could get plugged into.

5. he has alot of friends that are already there and peers that will be going there. (maybe that's why he DOESN'T want to go there!)


So, it's up to him. But $38,000 a year in student loans is gonna kick his butt when he gets out and has to start paying it back. OUCH. He's thinking about forensic psychology.

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So I HAVE to go to a party tonight at a country club close by. woo. hoo. Country clubs don't impress me...and you know me. I like to "buck the system" a little bit. So I kinda want to do the "heroin chic" look, and dress like a hootchie with big black smokey eyes and disheveled hair,...looking like I've been on a bender for 5 days.

I don't really have anything to wear to this stupid thing. I have black tuxedo pants with a satin stripe down the side of the leg...really nice. But they're about 3 sizes too big...just a waist band, no belt loops to pull them in, and the crotch hangs down to my knees.

I do have a nice Summer dress, buttt...it's a SUMMER dress. So I could pull a "Lucky Magazine" look and wear it with black tights and a sweater and throw on some killer shoes, and a great bag. That's probably what I'll do. Cuz those are about my only options at this point! I gotta go shopping for new clothes (dirty job but some one's gotta do it) but that costs $$$$$ and I'm trying to SAVE $$$$$ for my trips I have planned. so..........I think I'll pull something out my ass and then walk in like I own the place!!! ;)

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Now on to "TrannyBeth's Pervy Emporium"....

the other night, I spend HOURS pricing new porn. You know the job I want? no, not the starring role in a new porn...PERVS!!!...but the job of NAMING these movies. Now THAT'S the job to have. Did you know there is a porn parody for just about any movie or tv show out there? I saw "Jon and Kate + 8"..I'm sure you can imagine what the +8 is....of course the "Twilight" porn.... a "30 Rock" porn...a "Desperate Housewives" porn...lots and lots of them. and then the MILFS. Oh how men love their MILFS. and teenagers, which I find highly disturbing.

So here are some of the titles I saw that night:

"I want to butt f#$% an Indian"...HUH? Where did THAT come from?

"That AZZ is Off Da Chain!"

"ASScar"

"Lesbian MILFS #7"

"Fugly Girls" yes, there is a porn about FUGLY girls. The thing ism they're not really that FUGLY...they just messed their hair all up and blacked out some teeth is all. woohoo.(at least I THINK they blacked out those teeth!)

"Big Titty Teens"

"Big Oiled Asses"


Oh, the list goes on and on. I feel so dirty and have to wash my hands repeatedly when pricing these things!

so it was just me and another girl working that night, and we had huge stacks of porn on the counter, pricing them. this guy walks in, gets a movie and comes up to the counter. I try to cover up the really bad ones, so he can't see them sitting there. Didn't work.

"Um....miss? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT??!!!"

"Oh this??? Just another perk of the job!"

he then asked how HE could get a job there. ya.


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............the porn stories I have. and let me tell you THIS! Some of those things CANNOT be real, ok? I don't believe it. They put magnifying glasses on some of those monsters to make them look bigger. And while I AM a "size queen", some of those things SCARE me to death!!!! I just have to shake my head. Why is it that you either get a really really SMALL one or one that is so huge, you're being impaled???!!!! What happened to the nice, "normal" guy?

;)

Hey, it's ok to....



...eat left over spaghetti for breakfast...cold spaghetti


...HATE Valentine's Day!!!


...freeze Yoplait Whips yogurt and pretend it's ice cream.


...sleep in your husband's boxer briefs


...disguise leftovers as something else entirely so your kids will eat them.


...listen to the same song over and over and over....and over again.


...buy yourself diamonds!


...wear a summer dress to a retirement party, with black tights and a sweater.


...ship your kids off to their "Crazy California Aunt"!!!


...or to their Uncle Tranny for the summer! ;)


...leave your kids home alone while you and your husband go to Cancun.


...think you could actually audition for American Idol and get a golden ticket!


...drink tea with a straw so it doesn't stain your white teeth.


...to cuss every once in a while.


...eat a green pepper and some green olives and call it dinner.


...tell your boys to find their own way to and from school when they tell you that you drive too fast and they're scared for their life.


...take scuba diving lessons


...think about getting your pilot's license..even tho you're blind as a bat.


...dance like a hootchie mama in the bathroom in front of the mirror.


...not check your e-mail...and delete every single forward.


...get your heart broken. It will heal. takes time, but it WILL happen.


...love with abandon. see above.


...forgive your haters. They might not ever know it, but you will. that's all that matters.


...screen your calls.

worries out the wazoo

Lunch today:

chick peas, fried in a little bit of good olive oil and LOTS of chopped garlic...then frozen spinach added at the end, since I had no fresh. YUM!!! Thanks Rocky!!!!

We went back to our old church yesterday and I have to say this...

I felt really good all day long.

I miss church. I miss the people, and the singing and the worship. I DON"T miss the pettiness, but you're going to get that anywhere right?

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Austin finally has an appointment with a neurologist this Thursday. the OGT's are coming up in March and if he needs a modified test, then we have to get on the ball with that. He's flailing about in school these days. He can't take the thoughts in his head and put them to paper...he can't concentrate in class cuz "the noises are so loud"..the rustling of papers, the books slamming on the desks..the talking. His moods are way out of whack...one minute he's smiling and laughing. The next he is in a rage beyond belief. I had to help him with his homework one night for two hours. he just couldn't connect the questions with the answers. To say I'm scared for him would be a gross misstatement. I am worried beyond anything I';ve ever felt that this might be a life long battle for him now. Is there brain damage from the accident? Brain trauma for sure, but permanent damage? I am really scared. This has always been a loving, easy going child....stuff rolled of his back like he was a duck. No more. worry worry. and he's had to battle all his life to just grow, with his horrible allergies. But he's taller than me now, and growing like a weed! I hope he passes up BOTH of his brothers.

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Bud has another outbreak of Staph. But we can't get him to the infectious disease specialist quite yet. he just started his new job and can't ask for time off yet...so he suffers. But he was home for the weekend to watch his brother play in the BEST BASKETBALL GAME EVER, so I got to spend some time with him. I miss that boy. Can't call him a boy anymore tho...he came to the game in his work clothes...all dressed up. he's a freakin MAN now. When did THAT happen and where was I?!

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Grandson Joey was supposed to have surgery to get his adenoids out in December. They did the preliminary blood work and found out he has something called "Factor 5" and needs more testing. I haven't looked it up on the internet....too spooky and I'll freak out cuz they always give you the absolute worst outlook!!!

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Marvin and I went out for a "date nite" on Saturday. Our counselor told us to have 3 date nites a week...a talk date, a family date and a "date" date. We have been very lazy in doing this. But we DID go out Saturday, and it was nice. We went to the Olive Garden and sat at the bar, ate soup and salad and watched the Bengals game on tv. Might not be a great date for other people, but it was right up our alley. Things are going soo soo good right now. SCARY! ;) I have such a great outlook for us now. Maybe I never really wanted to leave in the first place...I just wanted a change for the better. and he's come through with flying colors. I didn't know he cared that much, to be really honest...or that he even loved me anymore. But he does. Who woulda thunk it? ;)


OH! the BEST BASKETBALL GAME EVER!!! We beat our arch rivals, the Newton Falls Tigers. We were down by 20 points at one time...they were dropping 3's like crazy and never missed. Us? not so much. Easy layups were being missed. But we pulled it together at the end. final seconds of the game...we were down 64-66. Austin's best friend Matt dribbles down the court and lobs a 3 up...and SWOOSH! it went in and the place erupted!!! The coach grabbed Matt and threw him over his shoulder and ran around the gym! the fans ran out on the court and were jumping up and down!! NF had been yelling "THIS IS OUR HOUSE!". When that 3 went in? not a PEEP out of them. Just doesn't get any better than that!!!

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So I haven't done any P90X yoga or Pilate's since I got back from San Diego. UGH. But I am getting back to it. We are going to Cancun next month and I want to wear a bikini. Can you believe it? Never thought I'd EVER wear a bikini again, but damn it, I'm wearing one!!! The weight loss has tapered off cuz it's hard to get out and walk in this weather. so I'll be going to the mall in the mornings and walk with all the other old people! Boobs? gone. Butt...almost gone. I have a big ole stack of jeans that no longer fit. Should I keep them, just in case, or should I get rid of them? I have 3 pairs of pants that fit now. and I'm actually wearing a size small in shirts again. Of course, that's not hard to do when you have NO BOOBS to put in a shirt!

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and tell me this....if you sent a friend a Christmas present...way back in December, before Christmas...mailed it to them, as they live in another state. And you've yet to hear that they received it. Nothing. Nada, zip, zilch...nothing. And yes, this is the "toxic friend" I had to cut from my life, but still.....shouldn't that person let me know if they received it? at least acknowledge it and say "Hey, thanks for the thoughtful gift"? It wasn't much.....just a few small things. But things that they would like nonetheless. Oh well. Just reinforces my thought that this person is toxic to my life and should be cut out...and HAS been cut out. I don't regret sending the gift..I would never regret that. I love to give gifts to the people that I care about. But damn, didn't your mama teach you to say "Thank you"??!!! I want to call and say something but then I think..."no....But damn! I never thought they would just NOT say anything! I mean, I'd send a card and they would thank me for the stupid card! so this has me baffled and scratching my head in wonder. I keep telling myself that there has to be a reasonable answer to this...something I don't know about or something like that...cuz surely, they wouldn't just not say anything!!! huh? But I guess that's what you get with toxic people, right? and selfish people. LIfe goes on for me and I hope it does for them as well.

My new calling

So, it's snowing like crazy last night.

and I had to go to work, cuz heaven forbid, the video store should be closed!!! We're open 365 days a year! Regardlessssssss!

so, I've had this cold for about a week now. Getting better, but have a cough now and my voice is kinda jacked.

Well, I had to make "inactive calls" last night. if you haven't rented a movie in at least 2 months, then we call you and give you a coupon for "rent one get one free".

so I'm making about 40 calls last night.


And I think I may have a new calling.

Phone Sex operator.

Every. single. man. that I called last night engaged in 'conversation" with me.

me: "Hi! This call is for Duane?"

him: "HELLO! This is Duane! How are you? Happy New Year to you!"

me: "Well, Happy New Year to you too! This is (insert video store name) and we see you haven't rented from us in a while, so we're putting a coupon on your account for rent one get one free."

him: "Well, THANK YOU! Do you give me the coupon personally? can I come in right now and rent you?"

me: "Um....noooooooooooo......that wouldn't be appropriate. But you can rent a dvd if you like."

him: "but with a voice like THAT, I want to rent YOU."


and on and on it went. all night long. The women I called? quick and to the point. HA!

Then my regular Perv came in to get his weekly porno. So then he proceeds to talk to me about his HEART ATTACK and his PACEMAKER that he has, and how it zaps him about once in a month and keeps him alive. Um...should you REALLY be watching PORN then?!!! Really? and how he used to smoke 5 packs a day. yes, FIVE PACKS A DAY. Damn. and he has diabetes...and was in a car wreck...and on and on. he talked to me for about 30 minutes. So, add therapist to my job description, along with phone sex operator.

Never a dull moment at the video store people. never a dull moment.

"How are ya Buddy? Things ok?"

This boy is getting lots of phone calls.

I swear, every day, there's at leat 2-3 messages on the answering machine for him.

Colleges want him!

They want him to play football and run track.

One school waived the essay portion of the application for him, cuz he "didn't want to do it". (personally, I think that's a very bad move on their part...isn't he gonna have to write papers in college? shouldn't he be doing that NOW?)

They call his cell phone all the time.

they send him text messages.

They subscribe to our local paper so they can read about him during basketball season.

One coach calls him every week, just to "check in" and see how basketball's going...how's school..yada yada.

Now, they need to come up with some money!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

I'm so happy for Evan-Michael. He's the "middle child"...not the oldest, smart genius son...not the cute, charming youngest son. It's tough being in the middle.

But he is a supreme athlete and I'm glad that someone is taking notice of him.

And the fact that he has a KILLER sense of humor doesn't hurt either. I will miss this boy like crazy when he leaves for school, cuz we laugh. Every day. like crazy. Over the dumbest stuff. LOVE IT!

Go Evan!!! The world is YOURS!!

The Big Scheme and Chemo

I don't know if you guys remember or not...

but about 3 years ago, Marvin's best friend Marty, was diagnosed with brain cancer.

her had surgery and radiation and chemo...everything was clear.

Not anymore.

It's back, but in a different part of the brain. so please send up some prayers for him, if you can.

I do have to say this:

It really brought things into perspective for me.

Here's this man, with 3 small children, fighting for his life and I'm worried about toxic people in my life. sort of insignificant, in the big scheme of things, ya know?

So, being a New Year and all, I'm getting a different mindset.

Toxic people? who cares? yes, they suck the very breath out of you at times, but in the Big Scheme of things, do they really matter?
nope.

Past hurts and transgressions? do they really matter in the Big Scheme of things?

nope.

I've chosen to move on and to, most importantly, forgive the people who have hurt me. it's more for me than for them, cuz they won't even know about it! ;) But I will.

and today I feel good. The other night, I was really low and missing my Mom like crazy. Dog has chosen to make up a recipe in her honor that I can make when I'm missing her, and pass it down to my family. thanks Dog!

And I see how much my family means to me...just the very thought of losing them fills me with dread. and makes my heart beat so much faster and this anxiety rise up in my chest. the past couple of months have been rough for us, all my doing, of course, but I've seen the light....again. I need to "see the light" daily, if necessary! ;)

So, please pray for Marty. he's a wonderful friend and a great dad and husband. I know he'll get through this trial too.