Trooper

I finally did IT.

while I know it was the Right thing to do...my heart is broken and bleeding all over the place.

My Trooper is gone.

and I don't know how to navigate the house without him in it.

Where is he? he's supposed to be sleeping right in front of the fan, with his dog hair blowing all over the place.

He supposed to come walking over to me in the morning, ready for his meds and his breakfast.

He supposed to be laying at my feet while I work on the computer...rolling around, "washing his face" with his paws.

in case you haven't noticed, I don't handle death very well.

But then, who does, right?

It seems like, I have had to say good bye to too many people lately.

I'm almost to the point that I think, "having a pet just isn't worth this heartache".

I'm supposed to be getting a little Yorkie next Saturday. SUPPOSED to be.

But on this day, at this time right now...I don't want the cute little thing.

Maddie is left here without Her Boy, and she's having a hard time.

She slept by Austin's side last night, and I slept on the couch to be near her. Austin slept on the floor with her. and Evan was wandering the house all night long, unable to sleep and unable to stop crying.

I know alot of people will say, "Oh for goodness sake, IT WAS JUST A DOG! NOT A PERSON!"

and I don't really care what "they" say...never have and hopefully, I never will. :)

Trooper was My Baby. He was special...(ya, Special Ed.! that's what the boys used to say to me all the time!)

I have NEVER had a dog like him before.

He was kind and loving, and forgiving, and funny. he always made me smile with his goofy antics. I could walk out to the mailbox and come back in the house, and he would be SO happy to see me! Like I had been gone forever! he loved me like no one ever has before.

And now to be in this house, where he lived for 13 years.....it's empty and lonely and not right. I know I will get over it, but I'll never be the same person I was before. he made me a better person he taught me to love and to forgive and to enjoy life and to run as fast as I can around the yard just cuz I feel like it.

He taught me to eat the whole chocolate-coconut cake if I can get the refrigerator door open. And nothing tastes better that potato peelings out of the garbage can.

Trooper was stubborn and I know he would have never given up on his own. It was my duty to make that decision for him, and I made it. I hated it, but I did it.

He couldn't walk anymore. His hind end just wouldn't work. we had to help him stand up and help him walk outside to go to the bathroom. and sometimes when he tried to do it himself, he couldn't make it and would have an "accident" which would devastate him. I couldn't let that happen anymore. AS Dog told me, "let him die with dignity".

So I did.

Evan carried him to the car and then carried him into the vet's office. he placed him tenderly on the table and and held him while the vet gave him the shot. I held his head and whispered in his ear the whole time, telling him what a good boy he was and how much we all loved him and would miss him, but it was time for him to go and to be with our other dog Jake. Im sure they are having a blast playing together again.

And yes, I believe that "All Dogs Go To Heaven". I know some people don't...but I do. God made these animals, he knows what a bond we have with our animals, and if heaven is "all that" and such a great place to spend eternity, then my dogs will definitely be there, waiting for me. Enuf said.

I'm holding his head, talking to him and kissing him, and then the life just went out of his eyes. he was gone. just like that. He was gone.....running and playing with Jake and sitting by my Mom, and she was loving him till I can get there to do it myself.

I believe this with all my heart.

I miss you Mighty Trooper Thunderbolt Hill...Troopie Doopie....Bubba. I love you and I miss you so damn much. My heart will never be whole.

2 years

Sept. 20

2 years ago my mom died.

Or I should say, I pulled the plug on my mom.

Ya, that's harsh, but that's the way I feel.

sometimes I wonder...if she had never had the surgery...would she still be alive and kicking? would she just have passed away in her sleep one night? How can she be ok one week and dead the next?

I don't get it.

I think back to all the times that crazy woman drove. me. nuts. I mean NUTS. and all the times I didn't call her.

or go see her.

or take her to the store with me..

and what I wouldn't give today to be able to do that.

hindsight is 20/20, right? :(

It's been a very rough 2 years. I kind of lost my blooming mind there for a little bit.

Grief took over my life in so many ways, yet I didn't show it. I didn't let it out.

I'm still grieving today but at least it's not so bad.

I miss her.

I miss her so. so. much.

so many changes have come and will be coming, and I know she would want to be here for them.

Yes, our family will be expanding again soon.

And since I have no family but my Blog Family, ya, I'm telling ya'll!!!

My Rae is gonna have a baby! WOOHOO!!!

It just shows me that life goes on....despite our not wanting it to sometimes.

and I know that my mom has met this little baby already......while we have to wait till February! LUCKY!

So while I miss that Crazy Old Bat something awful....

I'm also thankful for what she taught me. ya, she was a horrible mother.

But she was an AWESOME grandmother.

and I learned from both of those experiences.

Bike Ride

We had the Marty Manning Cancer Benefit Bike Ride!

It was a success.

About 32 people rode bikes and all but one finished the 35 mile trek.

and almost $20,000 have been raised so far!

WOOHOO!!!!!

It was a cold rainy day....but other than that, it was fun.

Marty was able to make it to Youngstown State University to see the riders off. He couldn't make it to the football game at Thiel but that's ok.

Marty is doing.....well. We visit him often..just to spend time with him.

Thanks to all of you who have asked about him. means alot to me.

More jumbled thoughts running through my head

so I've lost about 45 pounds now.

woohoo! right?

not so much.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see a difference.

Body image problems? ya, probably.

I find myself obsessing about what I eat...how much I eat..when I eat...IF I eat.

I've gained back some of the weight and it drives me nuts.

I haven't been walking as much as I was...not doing the pilates or the yoga either.

I love buying new clothes, but when I look in the mirror...I see no difference, and it's frustrating.

I KNOW there's a difference, cuz I'm in an 8 now...almost a 6, down from a 16. WOOHOO!!! Do you know how long it's been since I wore a size EIGHT??!!!! years, people...YEARS.

But at what cost? My sanity? :) I LOVE food, and it's really hard to eat "right". and I don't want to obsess about every bite that goes into my mouth.

am I gonna have to do this for the rest of my freaking life? Is it worth it?

I know it's worth it. My fibro hasn't been near as bad since I've lost weight. I still have pain but not like it used to be. And that's a good thing.

and Im gonna be really really brutally honest here ok?

I was hoping that if I lost weight, my marriage would get better. I thought my husband would like me more...me nicer to me....show me some affection....maybe want to take me out..be seen with me.

It hasn't really worked. :(

Oh, we get along well enough.....most of the time.

But I still feel like an after thought with him most of the time.

Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this on here. eeekkkkkkkk!

I'm still here. I'm being ME...which I haven't been in a long time.

and I don't think he likes this "me" as much as the "other me". Does that make sense at all?

Where am I going? I don't know!

Just some thoughts running through my head right now. and it comes down to alot more than just losing weight. Some people think I should lose about 200 pounds. :) HAHAHA!

the racial thing again

I'm reading this book:

"Just Don't Bring a White Boy Home"


I've been in an interracial relationship for 24 years.

Yes, we had problems at the start...with us and with outsiders and family.

and 24 years later? we are still having some of the same problems.

and I'm going to be very very honest here...

I don't think I would recommend it to people.

It's so much "easier" to stay inside your race.

There, I said it.

Does that mean that "they" were right when they told me to "stay away from Black guys"?

Not necessarily.

I met my husband in 1986. a loooong time ago, but you think, "Oh the 80's....times were ok then...at least it wasn't the 60's"

But when I had my daughter Betsy in 1982, I had to hide and lie about being pregnant, because my boyfriend was Black. My family wanted to send me to a "home for un-wed mothers" in a different city so that no one would see me. They would tell everyone I was in California with my father. The 80's? or the 60"s? You tell me.

So you all know that I was forced to put Betsy up for adoption cuz my family wouldn't let me keep her...and Baby Daddy couldn't help cuz he also had 3 other girls who were pregnant at the same time. They were Black..I was the only White girl. His family refused to help me. So I did what I had to do. Not my choice...it was awful, but it all turned out for the best in the end, since I now have her and my grand babies in my life.

So this book is written by a Black woman, and how society won't let Black women date White guys. The slavery thing and all that mess.

And of course...there was the "sex thing"....and namely, penis size.

People...a penis is a penis. plain and simple. Some White guys have big ones...some Black guys have big ones. I really don't think penis size depends on your race. There are big and little ones of all colors!

There are big cultural differences, but sex isn't really one of them. Sex is sex....sometimes it's good ..sometimes it's bad. We've all had good sex and we've all had bad sex. Did it depend on the race of the person you were with? I don't think so. I think it's more "chemistry" than race...but that's just my opinion.

I can say this: I'm just more attracted to darker skin. that's just my preference...probably cuz I'm so White! ;) But some people prefer a red head, or someone who is tall...i just prefer darker skin. Not necessarily a Black Man, just darker skin than mine. Does that mean I won't look at a White guy? nooo...I've dated White guys before. But I guess in the long run, it comes down to what attracts you the most. I have asked my husband why he married me instead of a Black woman, and he said this: "Black women are too loud". I just don't even know what to say about that...cuz anyone who knows me, knows Im obnoxious and loud!!! :) But this is the man who, when I would drive the car, would duck down so no one saw him sitting in the passenger side..or would tell his friends that his girlfriend was "Italian" so he didn't have to actually say I was White. Gee....think I should have seen this way back then?! DUHHHHHHH. :)

But I never dated a Black man to "rebel" against my family or anything like that. that was never my intention. Ever. In fact, I chose the harder road when I dated a Black man....

My family was against it. whole heartedly against it. So was his family. I've had 2 serious relationships with Black men..one I married. and both families were against me cuz I was White. and I had a child.

If it hadn't been for my Aunt Pearl accepting my husband, my family probably never would have accepted him. she broke the ice and introduced him to everyone. she was totally on our side from the get-go. God bless her. She helped us immensely.

and my husband's family still doesn't like me. they still don't know my name, after 24 years. Well, the truth is this...i think the DO know my name, but purposely call me a different name to show me that I don't matter to them...I'm not important enough to remember my name.

and that hurts. it really does. I have no family left. my husband and my kids are it for me. I have a few cousins that I talk to from time to time...but there are no family reunions...no family dinners on Sunday afternoon...no get togethers at Christmas time....my friends become my "family".

So where is all this going? I don't know. I'm rambling. But I just want to know these things:

1. have you ever dated outside your race?

2. why or why not?

3. what was the outcome? was society against you? family? friends?

thanks. I'm just being nosy again. :) Sorry I'm all over the place with this, and my thoughts are so jumbled...I just write as I think...I don't expect to be graded on it.