My cousin recently lost her father.
And it's now, a few months later that the grief seems to intensify.
At least it did for me, when I lost my mom.
Now, everyone knows that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship in the world. I was telling a friend the other day...we were in the Hallmark store buying a birthday card for her sister, and she was struggling. She and her sister aren't very close and don't really have that "sisterly vibe" going on. And I told her it was the same way with my mom....especially on Mothers Day. They don't really make cards that say ,"thanks for abandoning me in kindergarten and laying on the floor passed out drunk so that I have to step over your body to make it out the back door."
It was hard buying cards for my mom. But later on in the years, it got easier.
When she died, the feeling of abandonment came rushing over me all over again...I know she didn't leave me on purpose..by that time, we were getting along pretty well. we had come to an understanding...and she had finally said "I love you"...we even hugged on occasion! But when she died.....wow. Until you lose a parent, you don't really know that feeling. You can feel sorry for someone, and offer condolences, but to FEEL it yourself is something entirely different. And then when it came to my birthday...I lost it completely. How do you celebrate your birthday when the woman who gave birth to you is GONE. to never hear her voice again....to never hug her frail body again.....the utter sadness washed over me like never before.
So.......when someone dies, people are all over the place..saying how sorry they are...offering to help you in any way...blahblah blah. But really, it's the months later that you Really need someone. When everyone has gone back to their lives and you see that life DOES go on....that's hard. Your still deep in the sadness and darkness, while everyone else has forgotten.
And now, almost 3 years later...it still hurts. Oh, I can talk about my mom, and share memories...and laugh at her crazy antics. But in the dark of night, when I wake up from a bad dream, or I'm feeling especially lonely...I still want my Mom.
Even the tortured, abusive one.
4 comments:
{hugs} Oh Beth, I hear ya. It'll be four years next week that my dad died and I still tear up when I think of him, or come across a book that he wrote in, or an old photo. What I struggle with the most is feeling like crap for not appreciating him more while he was still alive. It never occurred to me that I would miss him as much as I still do.
I so hear what you say.
You are very good at putting feelings to words...thank you for sharing this. Hugs. :)
It's one of my greatest fears. When I think of not being able to go and complain to my mom it stops me in my tracks.
I try to be thankful for the time I have left though at times I want to strangle her.
Isn't it odd that the person that abused us when we were younger also comes to be that person that we have such a connection with?
Makes me want to be a better parent.
This post brought tears to my eyes. I envy how you and those who left comments before me adjusted to the tortured relationship that they have had with loved ones who are no long on this mortal coil.
I prefer to go without annoiting anyone. They are in death as they were in life to me. ... she and 'it', is what 'it' is and was...
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