an observation

ok...

this post is gonna be wayyyyy TMI.

so you can duck out the back now, before I get started, if you need to.




Ok.

since I started this vegan thing? well, my insides are changing, if ya know what I mean.

to put it bluntly, my poop doesn't stink.

There, I said it.

Not that I was ever a "stinky" person, but everyone has an odor, ya know? It didn't stink up the whole house, like some other people do around here, but ya, it had a smell.

Well, now it doesn't smell at all. Weird, huh? Not even with all those stupid beans I'm eating!

Now, before, when I would eat roast beef, well...WATCH OUT! cuz it wasn't pretty. Not hamburger, or steak or anything else made out of cow...just roast beef..made in the oven with carrots and potatoes...with nice rich gravy...

wait? where was I?

Oh ya, that awful meat that made me smell.

So, there you know what I'm like in the bathroom. Are you happy now? :)

Just an observation.

beans beans the musical fruit...

well, the vegan thing is going good.

I even cooked bacon for the kid the other morning, and didn't sneak one single piece.

can we say SELF CONTROL??!

I've never been known for self control, but I did it!

But damn I'm tired of beans! and I love beans! but sheesh.....enough already. and grain...yowza. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I WANT A STEAK!!!!

Soo......I think I'm gonna look around at some local farms and see how they do their meat...is it grass fed? do they slaughter humanly? tho, is ANY slaughter really humane? and friend has some chickens so I'm gonna get my eggs from her. Not that I want to get back into the whole "meat" thing, but I think once or twice a week will be OK. and god I miss cheese!!!! FETA! GORGONZOLA! SHARP SHARP CHEDDAR!!! OH YES PLEASE!

But I proved to myself that I can do it....I won't go back to the burgers. ground meat is not a pretty thing...unless I know exactly who's making it or I can swing it and buy the expensive stuff that is REAL meat...not all the gross left over crap they grind up.

And as for beans? well, I just ate butter beans w/rosemary for breakfast.

so , don't get too close to me today. or any other day for that matter. ;)

damn you oprah!

So I broke down and watched Oprah today.

I know, I know.

But it opened my eyes to some things. god I hate that!

I've decided to TRY and go vegan.

that's right...good bye 5 Guys....Arby's.....ARBY"S!!!! OH LORD!!!!


But they showed a slaughter house. and that did me in. I LOVE animals..and those poor cattle...I hope I don't ever forget it. and besides..one guy lost 11 lbs in one week! ELEVEN POUNDS IN A WEEK!!!!! WOOHOO!

So, I do want to be healthier....I lost alot of weight last year, and have since gained some of it back...not much...5 pounds..but I can SEE those 5 pounds. and I want to be healthy. I have 3 grandbabies to live for!

and I LOVE beans and rice and grains and veggies...not crazy about soy milk or soy cheese, but I suppose I can get used to it, right? :) I already do vegan about 3 days a week without even knowing it or even trying..so what's 4 more days?

Im gonna take this 1 day at a time...

I LOVELOVELOVE the commercials where the parents tell the kids that "We're going to Disney World RIGHT NOW!"


Love those!!!!

three years really isn't that long at all

My cousin recently lost her father.

And it's now, a few months later that the grief seems to intensify.

At least it did for me, when I lost my mom.

Now, everyone knows that my mom and I didn't have the best relationship in the world. I was telling a friend the other day...we were in the Hallmark store buying a birthday card for her sister, and she was struggling. She and her sister aren't very close and don't really have that "sisterly vibe" going on. And I told her it was the same way with my mom....especially on Mothers Day. They don't really make cards that say ,"thanks for abandoning me in kindergarten and laying on the floor passed out drunk so that I have to step over your body to make it out the back door."

It was hard buying cards for my mom. But later on in the years, it got easier.

When she died, the feeling of abandonment came rushing over me all over again...I know she didn't leave me on purpose..by that time, we were getting along pretty well. we had come to an understanding...and she had finally said "I love you"...we even hugged on occasion! But when she died.....wow. Until you lose a parent, you don't really know that feeling. You can feel sorry for someone, and offer condolences, but to FEEL it yourself is something entirely different. And then when it came to my birthday...I lost it completely. How do you celebrate your birthday when the woman who gave birth to you is GONE. to never hear her voice again....to never hug her frail body again.....the utter sadness washed over me like never before.

So.......when someone dies, people are all over the place..saying how sorry they are...offering to help you in any way...blahblah blah. But really, it's the months later that you Really need someone. When everyone has gone back to their lives and you see that life DOES go on....that's hard. Your still deep in the sadness and darkness, while everyone else has forgotten.

And now, almost 3 years later...it still hurts. Oh, I can talk about my mom, and share memories...and laugh at her crazy antics. But in the dark of night, when I wake up from a bad dream, or I'm feeling especially lonely...I still want my Mom.

Even the tortured, abusive one.