Tuesday, May 29, 2012
While graduation is over, it made me think about something:
I had no family there. No one. I had no one to call and say, "Hey! Austin is graduating today! come and join us!"
My husband had family there, but I had no one. and it made me sad. I had no siblings,...no parents...no aunt, uncles, cousins....not even any friends. I had one person text me. ONE. and that was my girl, Nancy. she knew it would be hard for me and she text me during the ceremony, to check on me. She is such a thoughtful person.
But it got me to thinking...
WHY? I have some friends here...but I didn't hear anything from them. I felt desolate and all alone. IS IT ME? am I a horrible friend, that I have no one to count on? you have to BE a friend in order to HAVE friends, so maybe I've dropped the ball in that area. I know I HAVE dropped the ball with some of my Blog Friends...and I feel horrible about that. And I need to rectify that. And I will.
But it made me realize that I. am. all. alone. in. this. world.
On Mother's Day...my husband had his siblings calling him to check on him....blah blah blah. I had no one to call.
Look at me, feeling sorry for myself. WAHHH WAHHH WAHHH.
I don't mean to wallow in self pity.
I just have to face facts.
And I have no one but my kids.
It is what it is.
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8 comments:
I'm think the same thing so often. From observation it appears I have a good number of friends but honestly I would call most of them acquaintances. Nice people but I don't socialize with them often. Now that I don't have any children in our area schools (S you know graduated and my daughter goes to a magnet school) my connection with many is getting fewer and fewer. I was surprised how quickly we drifted. Not much in common. I'd trade acquaintances any day for 1 good friend who gets me and vice versus. I did try for a long time to reach out to others. Something didn't click. Maybe it was me. Maybe I tried too hard. My mom is gone. My dad has moved about an hour away. My husband wants to move away after our daughter graduates. My first thought was "no" but I can't see what is holding me back.
awww Beth, I apologize for not contacting you! I consider you a life long friend! I'm sorry. To make it all better.....I think you need a beach day....or two...or three....or....... Love you girl! I know its tough and you are a good friend. Other people, like myself, can be idiots at time. Please forgive me. I <3 you!
Hmm... after reading Joan's comment and your post, I don't know if what I have to share will matter. But hey, what are blogs for, other than to attract people who don't know what they are talking about, to come and comment on the lives of other people they will likely (cause I may come through for the Ohio State Fair!!) meet?
Don't know how much you follow my blog, but I think that I can go out on a limb and say I understand where you are coming from. No one from my family has ever met KT and the details of that is something for me to blog about. But when she gets here, I won't have anyone to share that experience with, at least no one intimate to me. Maybe the "Maybe Miss" and her boys, but I don't know. I have already proved that I can live without people in my life, and as far as Nebraska goes, I doubt very highly if I will let her hang out with us at all.
I did not walk at high school graduation. I picked up my diploma from summer school shortly before I was whisked off to basic training. See, the little things that people live with as they love their family, I never did. And each time as an adult that I have attempted to reconcile with them has only costed me greatly.
So I have to ask if you really in the depths of your heart think that you are missing them because you 'miss them' or do you feel that you are missing them because you feel obligated to miss sharing this beautiful moment with your family? Me, f*ck mine. I do my duty, for instance, when my sister asked me to walk her down the aisle, but I have not forgotten the crap she put me through. If family love was supposed to be stronger than anything, why then did they put me through such crap?
Again, f*ck 'em. Now, do you think that if your relationship was any closer with your people that your life would ASSUREDLY be more happier and fulfilling? I KNOW that mine wouldn't. The only time my family has been in my life it has been when the boat was leaking and everyone was heading for the lifeboats... and they were the cause if not constant aggravation of the problems in my life.
Without them, my life is less complicated and I can deal. Without them, I am happy.
Don't be doing no jedi-mind trick bullsh*t and thinking that, "Oh, poor me... my problematic and relationship challenged family are not hear to share this with me... and my children don't have their aunts and uncles from my side to complete them. You know what that is? That is bullsh*t talking to you, because if your relationship with those people were healthy for you, then they would be there in your life now.
See, I am sorry but having made the choice when I joined the Army to leave my people and Detroit in the rearview, my MAJOR life regret was ever coming back and thinking that my people were indeed "my people". My Dad and his clan, eh, we are cool. But my blood and I are not and it amazes me because I was a good big brother. Their life pursuit were so greatly influenced by me that one would have to have wondered what could they have come up on their own without me in their lives? So I did my part. That they did not do theirs, is on them.
I am not going to spend three weeks wishing that they or ANYONE for that matter could see me and KT together. I don't wish that they can see me and Lexxie together when I have her. F*ck 'em, people who let me down as a child, as a teen, as an adult and as a family member. If they wanted to have the big reunion and go to nieces and nephews graduations, then they should have been better siblings and family members.
You took a wonderful moment and a great accomplishment and saw a small imperfection. Forget that crap!! It is still as beautiful as ever, the Mona Lisa has its goof 'em ups too! And she still is what she is!!
Be glad that you have been able to accomplish so much IN SPITE of whatever it is with your people. Love who loves you ALL THE TIME and f*ck that when it is convenient or when they are reminded, "Oh yeah, this is my daughter/sister/aunt." You know what that is? That is bullsh*t.
And if I am that far off the mark, then sue me, delete this post or better yet, leave it as a comment on one of my posts, since I am talking so much sh*t.
L&R
Mark
Mark...you are a wise one. Just ehat i needef. Hugs friend.
And don't forget, you've got me, too! We are BFFs in my mind.
You always seem to say just what I need to hear, Beth. I know we've not met (yet!), but you and your awesome family matter to me.
Crying. Im such a girl. <3
girl I would have texted you but I got a new phone and lost all my numbers...:(. I think of you often about what a wonderful person you are...so turn that frown upside down...I know cheesy but hope you smiled at my cheesyness
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